Advice: Savage Love
Q: I’m a cute, mostly straight, 20-something, single and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around, and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress, and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This isn’t the problem.) I’m not aggressive, but I’m not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. They usually express frustration and indicate that they’re very much turned on but it’s just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don’t think I’m doing anything “wrong” to kill the boners. I think maybe I’m just intimidating. In fact, I’ve been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness?
Fragile Ego Males
A: So … you go to bed with a guy, he’s at full sail, and then you inform him that you, the lady of the hookup, will be coming first. You instruct him in the art of What I Like & How You Should Do It, and by the time he’s done — by the time he gets you off — that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty.
Why does this happen? I have three theories …
Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman, FEM. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, who knows what she likes and isn’t too shy to ask for/insist on it, can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy’s dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys may find your assertiveness off-putting, it may be the case that even the more secure guys you go to bed with could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.
Theory Two: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you could be losing their erections because they’re focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner — particularly if you’re making it happen with your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes — can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space, and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it’s “his turn.”
Theory Three: If you’re going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off.
And here’s how you reduce the awkwardness when it does happen: Acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it, don’t treat it like a catastrophe, and suggest taking a break. And when you start in again, FEM, go with the impolite order of things, i.e., he comes first next time.
Q: I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. Several times a day, in passing, he reaches his hand inside my shirt and quickly grabs a boob, and then continues on his way. In bed, he is very considerate and giving. I’ve tried to bring it up two or three times, but he gets offended, so I drop it. Do I have a right to prefer an offhand kiss on the forehead or something more affectionate and less boob-grabby?
Groped Too Fucking Often
A: Before we talk about your boobs and what you can do about your asshole boyfriend — pepper spray? — can we talk about my husband’s ass for a second? It’s a spectacular ass, and I love to grab it. But my husband doesn’t like to be grabbed in certain ways, in certain places or at certain times. So I don’t grab his ass in those ways, in those places or at those times — despite how much I like to grab his ass. Because that spectacular ass of his? It’s his ass, not my ass, and he gets to decide when, where and how it gets grabbed. And I respect his limits because I respect him. Because he’s my partner, not my possession.
Those boobs of yours? They’re yours, GTFO, and you need to communicate to your boyfriend that there are times when you want him to grab your boobs and times when you don’t want him to grab your boobs. Don’t make the mistake of framing this conversation around his feelings. You are not “bringing it up” to see how to come to some sort of understanding. You’re bringing it up to set a limit. And once that limit is set, don’t put up with the boob grabbing. If he leans in to grab your boob, move away, slap his hand, blast him with pepper spray.