Issue August 27, 2014

Post-purge movie threats

The incident has prompted a proposal to require the following notice on all Internet comments: “Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that most of what you are about to read was written by bored teens, delusional A-holes or lonely, gullible simpletons.” 
Until our Internet overlords implement the warning, it’s important to be on the lookout for other movie-themed scares, which police and local TV-news reporters are eagerly standing by to take seriously. Here are some upcoming threats to our area, according to some kid on the Internet: 
 
“Mr. Sulu-avul”: Inspired by the movie “To Be Takei,” a Louisville Facebook fan of George Takei might post an image of Trekkies wandering through the streets of Louisville comically shaming people who don’t support gay marriage. Countless Facebook “Likes” might be covered on local TV, which could cause Metro Police to issue a statement of caution, leading thousands of people to set their phasers to fabulous. 
 
“This is Where I Leave You in Louisville”: In the upcoming Jason Bateman/Tina Fey movie “This is Where I Leave You,” based on the novel by Jonathan Tropper, four adult siblings and their mother sit shiva for their father. Comical neurosis ensues. It’s unlikely but possible that a Louisville teenager will post a Vine video of angsty family bickering, which could lead to a Facebook avalanche of family whining, prompting WAVE-3’s Dawne Gee to plead for healing and Metro Police to take the threat “semi-seriously.” Rural Kentucky mathletes might choose to cancel any competitions inside the Gene Snyder Freeway. 
 
“Mocking J-Town”: When “Hunger Games: Mockingjay” is released in November, it’s possible that Jennifer Lawrence fans will post a YouTube video of hundreds of J-Law and Philip Seymour Hoffman look-alikes leading a rebellion against the government by roaming Watterson Trail and shooting random Louisville exurbanites with flaming arrows. There is a good chance that WHAS-11 will run promotional spots for its news coverage of the potential tragedy, even after the perpetrators admit the whole stunt was merely an ad for Chubby Ray’s Pizza. Police might issue a statement that they will remain vigilant but that it isn’t easy. 
 
“Into The Woods of St. Thomas”: On Christmas Day, Disney will release “Into the Woods,” a movie version of the Stephen Sondheim Broadway musical about witches and wolves gone wild in The Brothers Grimm fairy tales Rapunzel, Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood. It is extremely unlikely but nevertheless possible that some bored kids in the tiny Louisville neighborhood of St. Thomas will post some terrifying animated GIFs of Meryl Streep and Johnny Depp rapping about whether it’s necessary to drive out to Fox Hollow for bio-dynamic beef for Christmas dinner or if the meat department at Fresh Market will do. WAVE-3’s Eric Flack will probably rush out to shoot the trouble, most likely prompting police to roll their eyes and pantomime throwing up in their hands. 
 
“Exodus New Albany”: Also in December, Christian Bale will lead a cast of thousands of enslaved Israelites out of Egypt as Moses in Ridley Scott’s “Exodus.” Twitter will no doubt be on red alert for reports of Batman Moses parting the Ohio River in Louisville, bringing in thousands of Hoosiers and telling them all exactly what they may and may not covet. Reports of smitings on the Big Four Bridge could keep people glued to Twitter, which could backfire when it becomes impossible to tell the news tweets from the satirical tweets from the tweets that are tweeting about the news tweets that are reporting on the satirical tweets, which in turn could cause an infinite loop of terror and/or hilarity. The Rustic Frog might have to cancel its holiday dwarf-toss and topless-volleyball pageant after thousands of farm boys make other, more safely rural, plans. The police department will most likely issue a statement saying that it will no longer be issuing statements. 
 
These are just a few of the likely threats the Metro area faces in the coming months. It’s important to stay informed during any emergency or faux emergency. Please monitor social media, local TV news and your police scanner for breaking updates.