Issue July 29, 2014

Advice: Savage Love

Taking advantage

Q: I am wondering when the best time is to mention being in an open relationship to new girls. I’m a 27-year-old straight guy who’s been in an open relationship for six years. I often seek out extracurricular activities, but I am unsure of how to bring up my situation without doors closing. I wrote to a seduction blogger who often writes about open relationships, and his advice was to not mention it until I’ve had sex with the girl a few times and to not bring them to my apartment I share with my girlfriend. This feels contrary to my nature, which is straightforward, but is it the better method?
Straightforward Honesty Offends Potentials

A: If your goal is to maximize the amount of pussy in your life without any regard for the feelings of the women who happen to be attached to those pussies, SHOP, then you should definitely take the advice of the PUA (“pickup artist”) blogger. But that’s only if you wanna be a huge asshole who gets tons of pussy. If you wanna be a decent dude who gets more than enough pussy, then you’ll listen to me.

Tell “potentials” after the third hang/date/whatever. Let them get to know you a bit, then spill — before fucking but after they’ve made a small emotional investment in you. They’ll be more likely to reconsider prejudices they may have against guys in open relationships after they’ve gotten to know a semi-straightforward one and perhaps be less quick to slam the door.

But unless it’s a clear case of drunken-one-night-stand/NSA encounter, no lying by omission. Most single people up for fucking a new person not once, not twice, but a few times are seeking someone with long-term potential. There are lots of single people out there seeking sex for sex’s sake, but a majority of sex-for-sex’s-sake types are hoping to leverage it into something more at some point. And most single people make the quite reasonable assumption that the people they’re fucking are also single — otherwise they wouldn’t be fucking them, right? If you neglect to inform the women you fuck that you’re not single or emotionally available, you are knowingly taking advantage. There are plenty of women out there who are in open relationships and/or poly relationships, as well as women who are looking only for sex. And while you might have to work a little harder to find these women, you’ll have better sex with a lot less drama.

 

Q: I’m a 30-year-old straight woman, and I’ve been with my male partner for four years. After four years, the sex has gotten predictable. But it’s also gotten better in the sense that I orgasm a much greater percentage of the time, now that he knows my body and what I like. More orgasms for me are great, but in the service of that, we’ve fallen into a “tried-and-true” rut. I try to switch it up sometimes, and I surprised him with some sexy lingerie last night … and I got self-conscious, started to worry about whether I’d get off, and then didn’t come. I know he really likes it when I get off, but I don’t want for us to have such a limited repertoire. My feeling is that I should not worry about my orgasms and focus on spice and variety, but I think that if we go too many times without me coming, it might be a downer for his boner, too. So which do we give preference to: variety or orgasms?
Rutting Or Undertaking Totally Interesting New Experiences?

A: Your “tried-and-true” repertoire may feel like a bit of a rut, ROUTINE, but it’s a successful rut. You both enjoy the sex you’re having, and you come way more often than you used to. There are worse problems — and all you need to solve your repertoire problem is perspective and patience.

You have two competing and conflicting interests: You want to come regularly and you get off consistently when you stick to your routine, but you also want to shake up your routine and try new things. But trying new things makes it difficult for you to come. My advice would be to relax and give yourself permission to not come when you’re trying something new. To stave off frustration and/or self-consciousness, constantly remind yourself that new things you both enjoy will be incorporated into your routine. And when things that work for you both join the ranks of the tried-and-true, you’ll be able to come while you’re doing them. This is a problem that solves itself.

And remember: You don’t have to stop doing the shit that works now. Let’s say you try something new on Wednesday night and you enjoy yourself but you don’t come. So the next time you have sex, ROUTINE, stick to the already “tried-and-true” stuff that gets you there consistently.

On the “Savage Lovecast,” hear Dan and YouTube sensation Arielle Scarcella go full lesbian: savagelovecast.com.