Issue July 15, 2014

Advice: Savage Love

Shorties

Q: Two questions, Dan.

1. Recently, I went to a bar with my brother and encountered a friend from high school. My brother told me that, toward the end of the night, my friend followed him into the bathroom and made a drunken pass at him (which apparently involved a clumsy grab at his penis). My brother has no reason to lie about the incident. My inclination is to ignore the issue. If my friend is closeted or bi-curious, I feel like it isn’t my place to force the issue and I should respect his privacy. Advice?

2. My bisexual girlfriend wants to take me to a gay bar. I’m not worried about being hit on, but I feel like hanging out at a gay club would be somewhat dishonest and touristy. Is my apprehension warranted?
Basic Respect Offered Sincerely

A: 1. If your drunken, closeted friend had shown some respect, BROS, and managed to make a drunken-but-respectful pass at your brother, then I could endorse respecting your friend’s privacy in turn. But your friend cornered your brother in a toilet and grabbed his cock. That’s not OK, and someone needs to make it clear to your friend that there are consequences for behaving like that — outing himself to you as gay or bi and an asshole was the consequence this time, BROS, but someone needs to tell him that he could wind up assaulted and/or facing sexual-assault charges if the drunken cock-grabbing continues.

2. Most gay men don’t mind seeing girls with their straight boyfriends in gay dance/party bars and clubs, BROS, but girls and unavailable/apprehensive straight boys ruin the vibe in darker, sleazier gay pickup joints. So stick to the party palaces (dance floors and drag shows), avoid the pickup joints (hard rock and trough urinals), and you’ll be fine.

 

Q: I suspect my boyfriend of seven months loves his 9-year-old dog more than me. I am 54 and divorced twice. He is 57 and has been divorced three times. I am jealous of the way he treats and talks to his dog. I have even told him so. Is it worth my time and energy to wait around for my boyfriend to start treating me better?
Neglected Human Girlfriend

A: Your boyfriend has been “with” his dog for nine years, NHG, and he’s been with you for only seven months. Considering his rocky track record with other human females — married and divorced three times — it’s understandable that he might be less self-conscious about showing affection for his dependable old dog than for his brand-new girlfriend. You don’t mention what he’s doing for his dog that he doesn’t do for you (table scraps? Belly rubs? Shock collars?), NHG, but the longer you “wait around,” the more demonstrably affectionate your boyfriend is likely to become. But I can’t imagine he’ll want you around at all if you continue to waste time and energy being jealous of his dog.

 

Q: I saw an online ad for an escort who was quite possibly the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. But instead of asking for a session, I offered to take her out to dinner instead. After all, escorts can have boyfriends, too. She agreed to the date, and we had a lot of fun. During the meal, she asked me what I did for a living, and I told her. I then asked if she liked what she did for a living, and she responded that she just worked in a department store. Most escorts are pretty subtle in their ads — they don’t come out and say, “I’ll have sex with you for money” — so she may think I’m innocent enough not to have realized that she’s an escort. Or she knows I know but didn’t want to mention it. Either way, we’ve been on a few dates since, and at some point, I’d like to tell her that I know and I’m OK with it. Should I?
Not A John

A: It’s also possible that this woman works in a department store and does a little escorting on the side to make ends meet, NAJ. Not all sex workers do sex work full-time, and most full-time sex workers would regard “willing to date guys who contact me via my escort ad” as the mark of either a novice or an ends-meeter. She already knows that you’re OK with her doing sex work — you did contact her via her escort ad — but if you want to let her know that you don’t have a problem with her doing escort work, bring it up and tell her. But don’t assume or imply that she lied to you about working in a department store, NAJ, because she most likely didn’t.

On this week’s “Savage Lovecast,” Dan talks bondage with kinkster trailblazer Midori: savagelovecast.com.