Issue June 10, 2014

Advice: Savage Love

Hopes and dreams

Q: I am currently a senior in high school, but come Saturday, I will be a high-school grad! (Fuck yeah!) The only thing I’m worried about besides my hopes and dreams and making it in the real world? My sex life. I’m a virgin. When I go online, I see all my friends and peers having these crazy, awesome sex lives. I am obsessed with this guy in my class. Like all teenage-girl crushes, I can’t get him out of my head. I could spot him on the other side of campus in all his tank-top-wearing, soccer-playing glory. I’ve been sitting in class all day thinking about all the sex we will probably never have. I want to know if it would be weird for me to ask him to hook up at a post-graduation party. I don’t care if my first time is with someone “special,” I just feel like if I don’t say something to him now, I’ll never get a chance to have sex at all, with anyone, ever.
Does It Get Sexier?

A: First, DIGS, some research shows a link between time spent on social media and depression. The issue seems to be people comparing what they know of their own lives — which are complicated, messy and sometimes painful — with the idealized portrait others create of their own lives on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Remember: While your friends may appear to have crazy, awesome, fun-filled lives on Facebook, their actual lived reality likely includes as many sads and fails as your life does.

Something else to bear in mind: Teenagers are waiting longer to have sex, according to the Guttmacher Institute, and nearly 40 percent of 18-year-olds of both sexes are not yet sexually active. So you are not a freak, DIGS. All of your friends and peers may tell you they’re sexually active, but the data tells us (and I’m telling you) that some of your friends are liars.

Finally, DIGS, this boy is not the last boy on Earth. You will have other chances to have sex, with other people. But I think you should make a pass at this boy — if not for the sexual experience, then for the experience of making the pass itself. Make it an honest, straightforward and explicit pass. (“I’ve had such a crush on you, and this is crazy, but fuck me maybe?”) If he’s interested, tell him you’re a virgin, tell him condoms are required, and tell him you’d rather do it sober or soberish. If he’s not interested, well, that’ll suck. You’ll have to wait a bit longer for your first sexual experience, DIGS, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice handling rejection with grace, and you’ll see that rejection isn’t the end of the world — or the end of boys, either.

 

Q: I love my girlfriend, but here’s the thing: She might be a lesbian. I base that opinion on the fact that she’s dated women in the past, she hits on women when she’s drunk, and she has made out with at least two of her female friends in the last year. She says this is normal for girls. Most troubling is that our sex life has dried up. Despite having many honest conversations, she just won’t/can’t be sexual with me. Although it’s hard to see her hit on women/make out with her girlfriends when we aren’t being sexual, I can live with it because I love her more than I can say. My questions: (1) Is it unfair of me to ask her to define her sexuality? (2) Am I overthinking this? (3) Are the behaviors I’ve described normal?
Helping Evaluate Lesbian Preference

A: 1. You know what’s unfair? Hitting on other people — men, women, whatever — in front of the boyfriend/girlfriend/whateverfriend you can’t bring yourself to fuck. Your girlfriend is being unfair to you, HELP, and you have to stop making rationalizations for her shitty, inconsiderate and cruel behavior. Your girlfriend could be a lesbian, she could be bi or she could be the kind of straight woman who has relationships with other women, hits on other women when she’s drunk, and makes out with other women biannually, but getting her to precisely define her sexuality isn’t going to change this simple fact: She has no interest in fucking you. Not into men, not into you — what difference does it make? That rumbling sound you heard a moment ago, HELP, was millions of Savage Love readers mumbling “DTMFA” under their breath as they read your letter. Take their advice.

2. Yes, HELP, you are overthinking this. You’ve spent way too much time thinking about how you could make this relationship work when what you should be thinking about is how to extricate yourself from this doomed relationship. 3. Are we talking about her behavior or yours? If we’re talking about her behavior, HELP, it is normal — for scared and closeted lesbians with security-blanket boyfriends they can’t let go of. If we’re talking about your behavior, it isn’t normal — because very few people would swallow the shit she’s been feeding you. DTMFA.

On the “Lovecast,” Dan and a global-health doctor talk about the pros and cons of Truvada: savagelovecast.com.