Issue May 27, 2014

Advice: Savage Love

Big issues

Q: I’m a 25-year-old straight guy. Last month, I was in the locker room at my gym. It was 4 a.m., and I was the only one around. I was getting ready to leave when I noticed someone exiting the showers. He kinda caught me looking (he was very well-endowed), and I quickly turned my head, embarrassed. About 20 seconds later, he came around the corner and said, “Hey, how ya doin’?” He was still naked, and it was obvious that he was wondering if I wanted to try something. (Trust me — he was about 10 or 11 inches now!) I didn’t know what to think, so I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I’ve never been with a guy before, but for the past few weeks, I can’t stop thinking about it. I kinda wish I hadn’t left so fast. I guess I’m really turned on by the size, and curious about maybe trying oral? That’s all I’m curious about trying, nothing else. I am way more attracted to girls than guys, but I can’t shake these thoughts.
Panic At The Dick, So?

A: I was wondering what happened to Joey from “Friends.”

Look, PATDS, you’re clearly straight enough to continue identifying as straight. But as you learned in that locker room, to get yourself to straight (or to remain at straight), you have to round yourself down the tiniest bit. (Or round yourself up the tiniest bit. Up, down — depends on how you feel about straight.) But you are now consciously aware that you’re more than a little curious about dick, and given the right circumstances (oral-only circumstances) and the right dick (great big dick), you could hit/suck/stroke that.

Since that giant 4 a.m. dick wasn’t your last chance at dick, PATDS, you didn’t miss your only opportunity to explore your bisexual/heteroflexible/man-on-man desires. There are other giant dicks out there. Hell, you might get another chance at that particular dick. The next time an opportunity presents itself — whether you leave that opportunity to chance (another encounter with Mr. Ten or Eleven Inches Now) or create your own opportunities (taking out a few NSA sex ads) — put your very limited interests (oral only) and even more limited experience (none whatsoever) on the table and let the dude decide if he’s in (your mouth).

 

Q: I can orgasm without stimulating my clitoris — but only through anal sex. What gives?
A Nosy Admiring Lass

A: The Lord giveth, ANAL, and it seems He gave you an amazing superpower. I wouldn’t question it too much, lest the Lord peg you for an ingrate and taketh away.

 

Q: I’m a 25-year-old lesbian, and I live with my partner of two years. My family is coming to visit from Texas, where they are part of a hyperconservative church. I’m not out to my mom. While I want this to be a happy occasion, I’m not willing to hide who I am in my own home. My sister owes me one from when I told our mom — at her request — that she was pregnant because she feared her reaction. I’m considering asking my sister to out me to my mom so that maybe she’ll be done screaming and yelling by the time she arrives. I know this is chickenshit, but I also can’t bring myself to come out to her. I’ve tried before and can never summon the courage.
Anxiously Fearing Repulsive And Irrational Diatribes

A: My advice for you is the same as my advice for all queer kids with crazy, hyperconservative parents: Don’t fear their rejection — make them fear yours. Tell your mom you’re queer, AFRAID, and then tell her that you won’t speak to her or see her if she can’t treat you and your partner with respect. Remember: The only leverage an adult child has over her parents is her presence. If your mom treats you like shit, absent yourself. If she’s rude to you in your own home, kick her ass out. You’re a grown woman, and it’s time to stop being scared of Mommy.

On the “Lovecast”: Premature ejaculation — what can be done? At savagelovecast.com.