Q: You always take questions from BDSMers and cuckolds and other hardcore sexers, but will you take mine? I plead with you! Won’t you please offer some advice for me, a simple heterosexual girl having problems with her heterosexual male? My boyfriend always closes and locks the door behind him when he pees. It hurts my feelings. Being a part of his pissing experience would turn me on and arouse me! He claims he does this because he is pee shy. But he pees in public restrooms in front of other men. So if he knows that I like it, and if the issue isn’t about being pee shy, then why can’t he pee in front of me? Why is he “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” about this? I would be grateful for your advice on how to get him to relax with his peeing moments a little more because I’m BORED. Thanks!
Personally Insulted Since Sexy Entrance Denied
A: You’re just a simple heterosexual girl who wants to be part of her boyfriend’s “pissing experience” because that would turn you on — nothing kinky or hardcore about that, no sir. You’re just after some old-fashioned, all-American, plain-vanilla voyeuristic piss play.
I’m not sure there’s anything I could say here that would persuade your boyfriend to include you in his pissing experience. If knowing it would make his piss-freak girlfriend insanely horny doesn’t motivate a guy to unlock the door and let her watch, PISSED, he’s unlikely to be convinced by some gay dude with an advice column. (But just in case: Hey, PISSED’s BF! Open the damn door!) So if watching your boyfriend piss is really that important to you, PISSED, you’ll have to get a new boyfriend or start following the one you’ve got into public restrooms.
Q: I need your help. I’m a 26-year-old straight girl and I’ve been dating this great guy for a few months. Our sex life is really satisfying/fun/adventurous, due in no small part to the fact that he has a lot of kinks. He has a thing for scat, though, and that has thrown me for a loop. He doesn’t expect me to engage in poop play, but I know he watches this kind of porn sometimes and it freaks me out. Would you break up with someone due to one extremely squicky kink?
So Not Into Poop
A: I would and I have.
Q: Longtime reader, first-time letter writer. My 13-year-old stepson leaves his spooch on the damn toilet seat. How do I tell him to clean up after himself? I don’t know how he gets it on the toilet seat! Logistically, it baffles me!
Step-Parent Ain’t Not Kleaning Spooch
A: That word you keep using — spooch — I don’t think it means what you think it means. Spooch is not slang for ejaculate, SPANKS, but it could be the world’s worst name for a dog. No, no, no: The word you want is spooge. And I don’t think your sign-off means what you think it means, either. Putting a “not” after that ungrammatical “ain’t” means you’re anxious to clean your stepson’s spooge off that damn toilet seat.
On to your questions …
Logistics: Your stepson faces the toilet seat as he would when he pees and has himself a wank. He thinks he’s destroying the evidence when he flushes, SPANKS, but he’s obviously missing the drop or two that land on the toilet seat. Teenage boys are not famous for their attention to detail or for cleaning up after themselves. Replacing your white toilet seat with a black one might help your stepson notice that flushing isn’t enough.
Telling him to clean up after himself: Your stepson’s father should have a talk with him. “You’re making a mess of the toilet seat,” his dad should say. “Put the seat up and wipe it off when you’re through.” If your stepson protests that he’s careful when he pees, his dad should tell him that he’s not talking about piss. That poor kid will be so mortified that he’ll blow loads out the window before he masturbates in the bathroom again.
IMPORTANT NOTE: A lowly, officious and quite pleased with herself copy editor has gleefully informed me that Urban Dictionary defines “spooch” as “semen” or “a man’s climax.” While I have the utmost respect for the modern-day Samuel Johnsons at Urban Dictionary, I refuse to acknowledge “spooch” as a synonym for semen or the male climax.
On the “Lovecast,” Dan speaks with the Perverted Negress about meeting polite kinksters online: savagelovecast.com.