by Rob Donald
ARIES (March 21-April 19) — Your inability to empathize in an emotionally charged situation will hurt a dear friendship. Probably not as much as your addiction to crystal meth, though.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) — Do something with your brothers and sisters. When was the last time you were all together? Family is important, in particular one’s siblings. Put together a poker night or an intimate dinner, something that brings you in close company with one another. If they start harping about the money you owe them or the scene you caused at your nephew’s baptism, quietly excuse yourself from the table and go let all the air out of Michael’s tires. He was always Mom’s favorite.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) — If you were an airplane pilot, you would be Chuck Yeager: intrepid, daring, supersonic! If you were a series of legal proceedings, you would be the Nuremberg Trials: depressing, charmless, dispiriting!
CANCER (June 22-July 22) — Today is your day for love! Remember that love can blossom in the strangest of places: hospital waiting rooms, Laundromats, in line at the grocery store. A bar’s probably best, though. There you will find drunk people making bad decisions. Go to one. Get really, really drunk yourself. Hit on everybody, both sexes, tell them it’s your day for love, maybe show them this clipping. When you fail, go to a prostitute, tell him or her you love them. If this sort of thing costs extra, so be it — you’re in love!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Organize an activity involving the young and the old. Help bring different generations together in order to promote understanding. A sack race or an impromptu game of volleyball are always fun. Observe how the youth are agile and spry, while the elderly don’t seem to get around as well. Exploit these differences as best you can, hopefully seeing pecuniary gains in the process. Recession’s on, you know, and those credit card bills aren’t going to pay for themselves!
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Don’t fret! People are finally noticing you and all the great things you do. Do not let a few discouraging remarks get you down. If the naysayers continue on, well, better make them pay. Better make them all pay. You know what to do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) — Libras are known for their generosity, honesty and patience. Not you. People consider you an arrogant prick.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) — This week will present new opportunities for you, but only if you choose to seize them. Ask your boss for that raise. Invest in that promising stock. Pursue that attractive co-worker you’ve had your eye on all these years. Take control of your life! Be aggressive! Not too aggressive like you were at your old job with that receptionist, Janet, though. It’s a tough economy out there, and you don’t want to be dismissed from another job for inappropriate touching. On second thought, knowing you, best to remain idle. That attractive co-worker probably doesn’t like you anyway. We took the liberty of forwarding your new office copies of the sexual harassment complaint Janet filed in Circuit Court, replete with all her many lurid allegations. That’s why everybody’s been avoiding you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — The importance of communication is in the stars and will figure crucially for you in the coming days. Work on building bridges between different parties to allow a dialogue to flow. Maybe take a few language classes to aid communication between you and your new mail-order Russian bride. Or don’t. You didn’t pay all those shipping costs for a bunch of talking.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Unfortunately, Capricorns are not only graced with an ambitious and disciplined manner; they can be pessimistic and miserly as well. Turn these negatives into positives! Turn lemons into lemonade! Turn the page on these downbeats! Turn your head while we admire your busty girlfriend!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — The constellations show you will find something previously undiscovered that interests you. Maybe it will be a newfound friend. Maybe $20 in an old pair of jeans. As for that lump you found in the shower this morning: It’s cancer.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) — Time to expand your horizons and try a new hobby. In your search for a new pastime, don’t be so quick to rule out unfamiliar activities. Why not crochet? Or mountain bike? Maybe a creative writing class? Anything, really, to get you away from that computer screen and your terrible dependence on online pornography. People are starting to talk.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY: On your latest birthday, you will meet many new interesting people in your neighborhood. Too bad it’s a result of your compliance with Megan’s Law. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 11, 26, 32, 53, and 57.