Q: My friend is in her late 20s and married, and she has two little kids. Her husband had a rough childhood and has some issues. Since their most recent child was conceived, they have not had sex. He says he believes there is a difference between a lover and a mother, and he refuses to have sex with his wife now because he thinks of her as a mother to their children and not as a lover. She is struggling with this and doesn’t know what to do. Any advice?
Miserable Undersexed Mom
A: My advice? Don’t make babies with crazy people. But if your friend doesn’t have access to a time machine — or if she does but she’s attached to her children — she should inform her husband that she didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage. So he’ll need to get his ass to a therapist and get over this new mother-of-my-children hang-up. (Why didn’t he have this problem after the birth of his first child?) If counseling doesn’t do the trick, MUM, your friend should tell her husband that the mother of his children intends to find a guy who will fuck her, a divorce attorney or a divorce attorney who will fuck her.
Q: I had an odd bit of awkwardness over the holidays. One of my wife’s nephews recently came out as gay, which is no problem at all for us, but it created friction in his immediate family. We were at a big extended-family dinner together, and after we sat down, I made a point of smiling warmly in his direction to let him know that my wife and I were allies. He responded with the Hot Steamy Eye-Fuck. And not just once: Every time I looked at that end of the table, I got the HSEF. Mind you, he’s a recently-out-of-the-closet 19-year-old and I’m a 42-year-old straight guy who’s married to his aunt. Maybe he was bored or perhaps trying to cause trouble. Is there a look that says, “I’m not interested,” or better yet, “Knock it the fuck off”? We haven’t seen him since, but we will run into him again eventually and want to be supportive without encouraging bad behavior.
Unnerving Nephew Crosses Line
A: The next time you want to tell a horny 19-year-old gay relative that you’re an ally, UNCL, use your words, e.g., “If you need someone in your corner, kiddo, you can count on us.” Because a warm smile from an uncle is likely to be misinterpreted as an invitation to fuck your (closeted-and-dying-for-cock) uncle or fuck with your (well-meaning-but-patronizing) uncle. Likewise, the best way to communicate “knock it off” is by using your words, not your eyes.
Q: I am a 25-year-old woman and just started dating a great new guy. My problem is that I am concerned he might be gay. I tend to be more conservative, and although I have slept over, I banned anything below the belt. He “petted” me over the underwear, and then I did the same to him. I also went under his underwear and rubbed my hand around his penis without actually touching it. When I have done this to other guys, they tended to go crazy — writhing, panting and begging. But this elicited no reaction from him, though he was already hard. Am I reading too much into this? I know everyone is different, but something about this threw me off. I would like to think that this is the 21st century, and if he were gay, he would just be gay, but I know that’s not always true. Is there any way I can figure this out?
Guessing About Yearnings
A: How on earth do you stick your hand in a guy’s underpants — how do you go under a guy’s underwear — without actually touching the guy’s cock? Anyway, your new boyfriend did have a physical reaction when you were fooling around: His dick got hard. He didn’t have the same over-the-top reaction to your bizarre moves that other guys had in the past, GAY, but getting an erection when a girl sticks her hand in your underpants is a pretty good indication that a guy isn’t gay. It’s also possible that he wanted to pant, writhe and beg, but he restrained himself because you had banned “anything below the belt” and your great new boyfriend didn’t want you to feel pressured to go further than you were comfortable with.
Dan speaks with New York Times columnist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz on the true demographics of gays in the U.S.: savagelovecast.com.