Issue April 23, 2013

Hands-free Internet

“Three prominent venture capital funds want software developers to know they are on the hunt for apps and software for Google Glass, the company’s Internet-connected glasses. They are trying not to miss out on wearable computing, which many analysts say could be the net big wave of tech investing … and (they want developers) to imagine ways people could use the Internet hands free.” —The New York Times

Meanwhile, in suburban garages and basements everywhere, the app-development scramble begins …

Meeting Relief: The ultimate app for the corporate world, Meeting Relief turns any business meeting into a festive get-together. Simply cast your gaze at the conference-room table and transform your meeting into a virtual campfire, poker game or one of dozens of other festive options. With Meeting Relief, when you look at your co-workers, they will seem to stop talking about the quarterly analytics report and instead roast virtual marshmallows, play Texas Hold’em or join you for a game of “Resident Evil.”

Sports Begone: Tired of hearing about the big game from the sports nut in your life? He’s not going to pipe down, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen. As soon as keywords like “penetrating” or “taking it to the hole” come up around the water cooler, Google Glass fills your field of vision with a video stream of popular TV programming, and your sports fan is none the wiser. Choose from “House of Cards,” “The Walking Dead” or thousands of other titles. Just remember to nod along to all the sports droning. Trapped into going to the game in person? Don’t worry — full-length movies are also available.

The Team Mitch Machiavelli Recorder: Don’t you hate it when you’re in the vicinity of a Mitch McConnell campaign meeting and the conversation turns to cynical, mean-spirited scheming — and you aren’t quick enough to record it? Fret no more. The Team Mitch Machiavelli Recorder automatically begins recording whenever it picks up such phrases as “Whac-a-Mole,” “emotionally unbalanced,” “Nixonian move” and “opposition research.” For ease of use, the app automatically uploads your audio or video directly to the Mother Jones website.

Pub Quiz BAMF: Never lose a pub quiz again! Thanks to Google Glass and Pub Quiz BAMF, nobody will know when you cheat on trivia night. The app automatically detects quiz questions and sends the answer to your glasses quicker than you can say, “I’m a pub quiz BAMF!” The app has you covered in a wide variety of categories, including sports, music, movies, TV, history, geography, science and nature. Let the app do the thinking while you focus on the drinking!

X-Ray Vision: Harnessing technology from the ’60s, the X-Ray Vision app turns your Google Glass into a see-through miracle! See the bones inside your hand! See the yolk inside an egg! See the You-Know-What beneath the You-Know-Where! Suddenly it’s like everybody is wearing yoga pants. Easily record a photo or video and store it in your Spank Bank. Just be careful where you point that thing! (An optional $199 add-on makes everyone you see up to 75 percent better looking.)

Tweet While You’re Tweeting: It’s a common problem — you’re typing a profound or hilarious tweet about the hamburger you’re eating when a great idea for a tweet about your french fries pops into your head. But your hands are full. What to do? With Tweet While You’re Tweeting, it’s easy to tweet about both the burger and fries at the same time! The app lets Google Glass wirelessly connect to your brain’s neural pathways to determine if the food you’re eating is giving you tweetable pleasure. If so, it instantly tweets the results. Finally, your followers can stop wondering about your side dishes!

Loved Ones: With the Internet literally in your field of vision 24/7, it’s easy to forget that you have friends and family. The Loved Ones app comes to your rescue. Just tell it how often you want to be bothered and the app does the rest. On the 15th time your spouse tries to tell you it’s over or the 10th time the boss tries to tell you you’re fired, the Loved Ones app springs into action. Its patented Real World technology instantly disables YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Email, Netflix and anything else you’re doing. The app points the Glass camera forward, giving you a bird’s eye view of whatever fresh hell you’ve been ignoring. Reality has never been so stylish!