Issue March 12, 2013

Bar Belle: Got 99 problems but bourbon ain’t one

Do you have one of those friends who always manages to get you in trouble? Even if you start out the evening with the best of intentions, it’s no surprise when you’re closing down the Back Door at 3:30 a.m. and have lost your wallet, skinned your knee and are debating between Taco Bell or the taco of someone named Michelle. For me, that friend is bourbon, and I’d like to proclaim him the best man of all the spirits. Here is why:

• Bourbon is aged to perfection and has that nice balance of throat burn and caramel.

• Gin is simply vodka flavored with juniper berries.

• Rum is like buffets and threesomes — only enjoyed on vacation.

• Vodka is gin without flavor.

• Scotch is vodka flavored with moldy grass.

• Beer is child’s play that makes you fat.

• Bourbon’s sweet, smooth kisses linger long after he’s gone.

• Vodka’s kisses are too predictable.

• Gin uses too much tongue.

• Rum does that weird thing where he licks your gums and the roof of your mouth.

• Tequila has bad breath.

• Beer farts when he leans in for a kiss.

• Bourbon asks how your day is and doesn’t care if you forget to ask him.

• Gin texts throughout dinner.

• Scotch scratches your back like Freddy Krueger and now your friends think you’re a cutter.

• Beer leaves the toilet seat up and enjoys giving you Dutch Ovens.

• Tequila flirts with other people while holding your hand.

• Rum doesn’t want to be seen with you, so he shows up fashionably late while you’ve sat at the table alone for 15 minutes.

• Bourbon brings you breakfast in bed and gives you a foot rub your grandchildren will be able to feel.

• Vodka gives you creepy stares while you’re talking about My Little Ponies.

• Gin gives you creepy stares while you’re talking about his mother.

• Beer gives high-fives instead of hugs and tells you you’re fat.

• Bourbon kisses every inch of your body and tells you how beautiful you are every 30 seconds.

• Gin hates puppies and the ’80s.

• Scotch never picks up the tab.

• Rum talks incessantly about his high school days and how much action he got underneath the bleachers … with your mom.

• Vodka is a one-upper and a mouth breather.

• Beer snores and plays with himself in his sleep.

• Bourbon plays with you in his sleep.

• Rum shot J.R. but is too young to know what significance that holds.

• Gin listens to death metal and jazz.

• Bourbon lets you control the radio on road trips.

• Bourbon’s smile melts your heart, and holding his hand turns you on more than gay porn.

• Bourbon prefers a trip to New Orleans over amusement parks and short walks to the bar over long walks on the beach.

• Bourbon does not make fun of your past obsessions with Julia Roberts or pop stars.

Bourbon Tasting with Deion Branch!
Brown Forman is hosting a bourbon tasting with NFL star and former U of L player Deion Branch and Woodford Reserve’s master distiller Chris Morris on March 23 at the MarketPlace at Theater Square. Guests will sip bourbon and learn about how it pairs with food, and also get a souvenir glass signed by Branch. Tickets are $45, and proceeds go to the Deion Branch Charitable Foundation (call 643-4419 for reservations). But guess what — today is your lucky day! I’ve got two pairs to give away, but I’m gonna make you work for ’em. Write me a short poem about your love of bourbon, and I’ll pick two winners. Send ’em to before March 20. Shit, now I gotta find myself a date.

Drunk Texts of the Week
• Shit it down!
• Ringworm should have been the first red flag
• The only filter I need is on my cigarette!
• Im not drunk, I just havent eaten dinner yet

Send your drunk texts to My blog is at Word.