Nothing says “eat a dick” like a holiday for straight people in love. But I suspect even straight people find Valentine’s Day and all its sticky sweet nonsense a bit nauseating. I’m not saying V-D Day is only for the straights, but try finding a card for your favorite bear in the 99-cent section. Try relating to a diamonds-are-forever commercial when the man surprises his wife with a ring on the streets of Italy. If a lesbian were to pop the question, it would be in the plumbing aisle of Home Depot.
Unfortunately, the holiday started long before Hallmark, so there’s no need to boycott those wonderfully cheesy movies and commercials. I might like the holiday more if we got the day off from work, but as a single lady this time of year, it sucks. All I can do to combat the cupid is dress in black, get drunk, and try not to dwell on my failed relationships and the fact I’m not in my 20s anymore. Even the candy sucks. Halloween has chewy candy corn, St. Patty’s Day has green beer, Christmas has cookies, New Year’s Eve has champagne. What does V-D Day have? Those disgusting chalky confections that inundate you with affections.
Perhaps if they gave better advice than “Be mine” or “Kiss me,” I could stomach them for one month out of the year. Why don’t they read: “True love means holding the hair back of the one you love after a bender,” or “Kiss me if your herpes isn’t flaring up”? What about: “Soul mate doesn’t imply sole mate, so get out there and get dirty,” or “Booty call me”? Or maybe if I had this one, I could pass it out like a business card: Front: “Is your girlfriend’s name Sara?” Back: “Do you want it to be?” And a few others, albeit spiteful, are coming to mind: “Fax me — 1994 wants its flannel back,” “Hold hands with a switchblade,” “LOL @ ur penis size,” “Be gay for a day,” “Hug me after I get you off,” and “Miss you like I miss my genital warts.”
Suck it, Valentine’s Day. No wonder everyone is mad for March. February blows and snows. Only 32 days till St. Patrick’s Day (24 till the parade).
Maker’s on the rocks
Today, the tears of this clown are red and waxy. It was recently announced that Maker’s Mark is going to add more water to its product in order to meet worldwide demand. As a loyal Ambassador of Maker’s, I say bullshit. Now, I did get a C in economics — the only C I ever got in college — but when demand outweighs supply, isn’t that a good thing? Can’t you raise the price and market it as a hard-to-find commodity? Instead, they’ve decided to dilute the product so they can increase supply.
That’s like Trojan coming out with a condom that has 20 percent less latex, or Beyonce saying she’s only going to sing on 40 percent of her album. (Well, forget the latter.) When Budweiser added water to its product, Bud Light was born. So should we refer to this as Maker’s Light? Are there fewer calories? I have a feeling dedicated Maker’s supporters will stand by their man, but for the rest of us, with so many options already on the shelf, we might as well try a price-comparable Bulleit or Larceny or even Old Forester.
Drunk Texts of the Week
• Freedom is not free, it is $12 cash or money order made out to Jefferson County
• I wanna petcha koochie
• I don’t fart, I whisper in my panties
• Does lickety splitz mean something different to lesbians?