Well, we did it. We survived another year, even though the Mayans and our doctors said we wouldn’t. Sure, we had to endure some hardships, like Taylor Swift having a No. 1 album and Honey Boo Boo a No. 1 TV show, but we plowed on, mostly by getting plowed in good company.
The weather continually screws us over like a cheating lover, but we just roll over and pretend not to smell the foreign fragrance wafting off its collar. It’s our fault it’s cheating, right? All our hairspray and vehicle emissions dissolved our monogamous ozone layer, and now it has more free range than a KFC chicken. Hurricanes pester like herpes. Droughts pinch like crabs. And sadly, it’s all incurable.
What’s my point? Oh yeah — making New Year’s resolutions. Should we even bother when the world is so fucked up? Who really cares if we lose 10 pounds or give up smoking? Will we ever be as rich or annoying as Ryan Seacrest? Probably not. So instead of making up stupid resolutions like no cursing or watching less football, let’s do things this year that will make us happy. I’d like to go to bed just once without worrying whether the to-go box I threw away was actually recyclable or not.
So here is my year-of-reckless-abandon resolution list. Four out of five dentists recommend you make one, too.
• Be less concerned with time and more concerned with having a good one.
• Believe in unicorns and bipartisan politics.
• Order like someone else is paying the tab.
• Dance like you’re getting paid for it.
• Smile like you’re cropdusting the aisles of Target.
• Kiss like you’re licking watermelon-flavored wallpaper.
• Day drink like you’re a 4-foot-tall, spray-tanned reality TV star from New Jersey.
• Forgive like it’s your job.
• Leave the judging to Simon Cowell.
• Fear nothing except spiders and Kardashians.
• Love like your heart has no scars.
• Party like you’re Jimmy Buffett in New Orleans.
• Eat like you’re at Jimmy’s Buffet in Vegas and it’s all-you-can-eat steak night.
• Inhale like there will always be an exhale.
• Make someone laugh at least once a day.
• Make someone cry never.
• Know your way around a kitchen like Rachael Ray.
• Know your way around an off switch when Sugar Ray comes on.
• Work hard so you can play hard and be able to pay for it.
• Leave any and all guilt under your pillow for the tooth fairy to take (it’s her second job).
• Tell your friends they’re the rainbow sprinkles on the cupcake of life at least once a week.
• Believe in yourself as much as Cher believes in life after love.
Bar of the Week
I finally got around to checking out Four Pegs (1053 Goss Ave.), a Germantown establishment that celebrates craft beer and delicious food. So I’m a bit late to the party — they opened more than a year ago — but whatever. Who’s counting? Because a U of L basketball game was on, most of their 12 drafts were only $4. I had a Bell’s Best Brown, a Hofbrau Octoberfest and a sip of my friend’s Bell’s Christmas Ale. They were all delicious and helped wash down the chicken and waffle sandwich I ordered for dinner. Holy diver … it doesn’t get much better than that.
Drunk Texts of the Week
• Sorry. Covered in wongsauce. Yes.
• If all this snot was beer, Id never leave the house
• Can I teabag you at the strike of midnight?
• Since the world didn’t end, can we go back to drinking and fucking?