I’m a little late this year getting you my Christmas list — shocker — but I’m sure your magical and drunken elves will have no trouble pulling together some of these items and throwing them under my beer-can tree. Last year you only got me two things I asked for — the O.W.N. network and a new gay bar in town — so you have quite a bit of making up to do. I love, love, love the Big Bar, so a big thanks for that. But you can have O.W.N. back — Oprah fired Rosie O’Donnell right after I got it, so I have no more use for it.
I’ve tried to be as good as one referred to as “The Bar Belle” can be. If someone gets hurt, it’s usually just me and my vital organs. Luckily I have great friends who always have my back and pick me up when I stumble — literally and figuratively.
So cheers to another year — if we make it past Friday. I’ve included a separate list of things I want to accomplish before the world ends, so if you have some kind of intel that the Mayans were smarter than a fifth grader, you can throw out my Christmas List and help me complete my Bucket List. Obviously I only have three days to complete these things, but time is money, and money rhymes with honey, so let’s douse time in honey and slow it down. (Sorry, yes, I’ve already started drinking today.)
As you know, my door is always open, and I hide the good bourbon underneath the sink. Kisses.
The Bar Belle’s Christmas List (in no particular order)
• Key to the city (still patiently waiting)
• Winning lottery ticket (totaling more than $5,000)
• Bigger bed (that doesn’t sink in the middle)
• Squirt guns (to replace all real guns)
• Lower beer prices (on domestic bottles … anything over $2.50 is an insult to my consumer intelligence and wallet)
• Better happy hour specials
• Happier people
• People who use turn signals and compliments
• More dog-friendly places
• A bottle of 7 Deadly Zins
• Bottomless Jagerbombs
• Cheese for lunch
• A light-rail line to New Albanian Brewing Co. and Huber’s Winery
• Hangover cure (still patiently waiting)
• For anyone named Kirsty or Kirsten to let me call them Kristy and Kristen
• In the words of Biggie, “Condo paid for, no car payment”
• A “Facts of Life” reunion … at the Back Door
• Enough money so I can buy rounds and still be able to pay off my credit card
• Free City Scoot for a year
• The cease and desist of flavored vodkas
• Faster metabolism
• The return of Zima (still patiently waiting)
• A movie deal for “The Bar Belle Book” starring Charlize Theron as me, her character from “Monster” as Sara(h), and Christopher Walken as my liver (“More bar belle!”)
• Case of Miller Lite
• Free access to the Beer Store’s taps
• Bourbon for everyone
The Bar Belle’s Bucket List (in particular order)
• Impromptu pub crawl in the Highlands
• Impromptu put crawl to complete the Urban Bourbon Trail (again)
• The keys and all-access passes to the Back Door and Dundee Tavern for the last three days we’re alive
• Play a drinking game with Jennifer Carpenter (her choice)
• Play a drinking game with the mayor (my choice)
• Make amends and hug strangers
• Reflect on regrets and then burn them while making s’mores
• Eat a steak and not feel guilty about dousing it in A-1.
Drunk Texts of the Week
• Did Jesus just poop in a jar?
• I’m going to spank you with my lips
• Can I sytill drubk text here because I amz
• It cant hurt to try some S&M.