Issue October 2, 2012

Bar Belle: Betty Bear Bar Belle

One of my favorite books as a child was “Betty Bear’s Birthday” by Gyo Fujikawa. My mom would read it to me as I buried my face in a bowl of Magic Shell-covered Rocky Road ice cream. I’m not sure why I liked the story — it’s pretty pathetic, actually — but it did have a happy ending. I’m still a sucker for those. Basically, it’s about this bear and it’s her birthday. She goes all around the forest to invite her friends to a birthday party, but everyone seems to be busy — even the fucking robin. So she slinks up to the Back Door, orders a double and cries herself drunk. OK, maybe not the last part, but she is really sad. She mopes home, opens the door, and — SURPRISE! — all of her friends are there to wish her a happy birthday.

So when I decided to have a birthday party and invite the city, my initial fear was that it would turn out like Betty’s, sans happy ending. What if two people show up? What if the mayor forgets to bring the key to the city? Seriously. I had a party in the fifth grade, and the only reason my classmates came was because we got a behind-the-scenes tour of McDonald’s.

So if you’re not doing anything Saturday night, I’m inviting you to stop by Meat (above the Blind Pig in Butchertown). DJ Kim Sorise will be spinning the tunes (I’ve requested Debbie Gibson), and there will be drink specials on Manhattans, Tom Collins, and something called Bar Belle Punch. The party is titled “The Belle and the Corpse,” because I’m celebrating it with a friend who runs a funeral home and is also turning a year older. So at least I can be guaranteed there will be two of us, a bartender, Kim, and maybe some dude after free jerky.

I’d much rather have a happy ending, so I will also provide lap dances and dick jokes as party favors. (Lap dances lead to happy endings, right? What-what.) Hopefully I will see you Saturday. It starts at 9 p.m.

Bar of the Week
Well, it’s not really a bar, it’s an experience. This is the perfect time of year to cross the damn bridge for a trip to Huber’s Orchard & Winery (huberwinery.com). With a chill in the air, apples on the branches and pumpkin ale pouring from taps, autumn is the ideal time to attend a wine tasting with friends and then sit outside and enjoy a bottle or five of wine, cheese and live music. I’ve been there three times already, and I’ll go again if you invite me. For $10, you get samples of eight wines — out of 25, from dry reds and whites to sweet ones like blackberry and strawberry (and if you sing that Deana Carter song, I will pistol-whip you with a shotgun) — and you get to keep the cute glass!

If the lines are short, the tasting will take about 20 minutes or so. And then you can visit the gift shop and order a bottle of your favorite to open and drink on the patio (one per person). Depending on your penchant for car-sickness, the ride there is either really amazing and pretty or really stressful and nauseating. On my most recent trip, my friends and I packed into a party bus and descended upon the family-friendly establishment like thirsty vampires at Mardi Gras. We remained relatively behaved, and I managed to balance more than 10 sangria pitchers on my head. (Check out my blog for proof.)

Drunk Texts of the Week
• OK! I will stick a finger inside myself if need be …
• Your forehead doesnt match your ankles
• I dont wanna put this buzz to bed, no need to be a killer.
• How many peeps can I sext without being slutty?

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.