Issue July 31, 2012

Blockbuster

This line is so long, I can’t even see the box office. Do all of the movies start at the same time or something? And it isn’t moving, either. I should have gotten here earlier; I’m gonna miss the previews.

Seriously. We haven’t moved 4 feet. What is the problem? I hate these multiplexes. They should have separate lines for the different theaters. I can’t imagine that any of these mouth-breathers are going to see the same movie I’m going to see. They’re probably all going to see “Nerd Police 2.” I can’t believe the crap Hollywood makes these days. I can’t believe that crap gets good reviews! It’s the same movie every time! I mean, “Nerd Police” (the original one) was a brainless homage to “Beverly Hills Ape Detective,” and that was so stupid, I had to hide my face when I left the theater when I saw that one.

I don’t even believe the reviews anymore. “Nerd Police 2” can’t be a four-star movie! It’s impossible! They killed off the only interesting character in the first one! That hillbilly sheriff that solves the crime … by accident! And this time around they replace him with Queen Latifah? That’s so stupid, I almost have to assume they’ve made a quantum leap into genius.

Look at all these idiots. With the glasses. They might as well be carrying signs. “I’m going to go see ‘Nerd Police 2’ and I’m an idiot.” What’s the point? Are they wanting to make friends? What would they talk about? “I’m really looking forward to the remake of ‘Mechanical Rodent Secret Agents!’ Maybe we could carpool!” Like anybody wants to hang out with any of these brainless puppets.

Oh, come on! I’m not only going to miss the previews. I’m gonna miss the credits … if there are credits. Some movies start with a “cold open.” Can’t be late for that.

I’m probably the only person here wanting to see “Crazy Friend.” Nobody watches these little character-driven dramedies anymore. I can’t believe they still get made. They can’t make any money. Not that I’m complaining. I like having a movie theater to myself. If there are two people in the theater, the other one is probably talking on his phone in a loud voice like nothing and nobody else matters. Why would anyone want to have a cell-phone conversation in full voice in such close proximity to strangers? I always get out my notepad and take notes. I ask the jerk to clarify details I may have missed. “Now where exactly are we meeting after the movie? Which Applebee’s? And how many of us will there be? How late will we be getting home?” Idiots.

But, hell, if the line doesn’t start moving, I’m going to give up. Ugh, can’t do that; it’s the last showing. I know I shouldn’t have waited, but if I miss this screening, I’ll have to wait until it shows up on DVD, and there’s no telling if I’ll be able to find it then. Crap.

The girl in front of me is talking about “Nerd Police” (the first one) like it was “The Searchers,” an epic of life-and-death existential gravity … with comic relief. She probably hasn’t even seen “The Searchers.” Now, there’s a masterpiece. I wouldn’t mind standing in line with a bunch of people who were waiting to see that one! That would be a crowd with discriminating taste! Did Ethan and Martha have an affair years earlier? Was the final confrontation evidence of this? Perhaps some of us could meet at the bar across the street (I didn’t even know it was there until a week or so ago when I saw somebody mention it on Facebook, and I walk down that block at least twice a week!) and talk about our theories and other really great movies!

Movies used to mean something. And they were interesting. And the movie-going public used to be sophisticated enough to appreciate subtlety and character. Now they just wanna dress like Latex Lady and Monkey Mike.

“Aardvarks in Paradise!” “The Vegetable Boy!” Who thinks of these stupid movies? “Dream Zone Patrol.”

Damn it. There’s no way I’m gonna get in there in time to see my movie now.

 

For further consideration: The first five episodes of the third season of “Louie” may represent a paradigm shift in the consideration of sexual relationships in pop culture. Louis CK’s writing and direction has been soaring to new heights. New episodes air at 10:30 p.m. Thursday nights on FX.