Issue June 19, 2012

Fake Issue 2012

Abramson coup plot foiled

Kentucky State Police and the FBI turned back a dramatic attempt by Lt. Gov. Jerry Abramson to take over the Governor’s Office late Tuesday night, according to news sources who are willing to drive to Frankfort. Gov. Steve Beshear is still in control of the commonwealth, and Abramson has been taken into custody and placed under psychiatric care. He’s also being tested for injuries he might have sustained in a recent jumping-for-joy incident.

Details are still emerging, but sources say Abramson stormed the Governor’s Mansion armed with a titanium letter opener and a 900-page manifesto, ranting about having the “boringest job in the boringest town working for the boringest governor in America.”

At press time, officials were still reviewing the document but had begun releasing portions to the media. In one section, Abramson claimed, “I’ve got more biz-dev in my pinky finger than all the country-ass crackers in Frankfort,” and complained that “Beshear has been a Wall Street lawyer and a career politician, but when he opens his mouth, he sounds like he just crawled out of a Bobbie Gentry song.”

WAVE 3 Troubleshooter Eric Flack wins Pulitzer

The Pulitzer Prize board announced today that local TV reporter Eric Flack — WAVE 3’s “The Troubleshooter” — has won the prestigious award for investigative journalism.

Flack will receive the Pulitzer for his alarming expose of the nationwide crime wave victimizing customers of Redbox movie rental machines. In response to a solitary “Redbox Robbery” in Louisville — only the sixth nationwide — Flack’s report highlighted the fact that customers who rent movies at the kiosks are at risk of being robbed. (The chance of becoming a victim at the kiosk of horror is, in fact, .000000009 percent, but still, it’s scary.)

“It is rewarding enough that through my work I am able to instill a sense of fear in the public and remind them that they are perpetually in danger of being attacked or ripped off — possibly even kidnapped and killed,” Flack says. “I am here to protect them and convince them it’s safer to stay indoors. And to boost ratings by scaring old people.”

Wu Tang to attend 2013 Barnstable Brown Gala

Barnstable Brown just announced that it will get grimey as fuck to celebrate its 25th year with stars Nick Lachey, Miranda Lambert and the Wu Tang Clan.

Each original member will be on hand to celebrate the glitter and glam for the first time since ODB’s tragic death in 2004. The group’s hotly anticipated attendance will feature a special performance by the hologram resurrection of the Dirt Dog, to be christened Ol’ Derby Bastard for one magical night.

The gala raises money for diabetes research, a cause close to ODB’s heart.

“Diabetes and killer bees are the two things we’ve advocated against for two decades,” RZA stated.

Raekwon added, “I’ll tell you two things I like to play hard with, and that’s pasta and Grey Goose, so you know I’ma make myself a nice fat plate and finish it off with a little Doublemint dessert, if you feel me.”

The Barnstable Brown organizers — energized by the warm reception hip-hop acts like Salt n Pepa, Run DMC and Kid Rock have received in past years — decided they’re ready for something “a little more raw.”

“We were given Method Man’s cell number, and as soon as we told him about our mansion, he just said, ‘Oh shit, I’ma bring my stinkin’ ass.’”

Beshear and Williams to engage in actual pissing match

In a desperate effort to settle the petty feud between the two bitter Frankfort rivals, Gov. Steve Beshear and Senate President David Williams agreed to take part in an actual pissing match on the Capitol lawn next week.

“Gov. Beshear is used to squatting like a little girl when he pees, so this should be no match at all,” said Williams, escalating the already overheated rhetoric between the two.

Beshear countered by saying Williams “is used to getting his fat ass beaten by me, and next week will be no different.”

“If there’s anything the voters of Kentucky know about me,” added Beshear, “it’s that my policies have balanced the budget and created jobs in times of economic uncertainty, and that my stream of urine runs long, fast and pure.”

This marks the 34th time a sitting Kentucky governor has challenged a legislator to a pissing match since 1849, when dueling by public officials was banned in an amendment to the state constitution, forcing them to settle disputes without bullets.

The last time a sitting governor was involved in a pissing match was in the fall of 1979, when a drunken Gov. Julian Carroll — who holds the record of 19 matches, all undefeated — challenged the speaker of the House in the alley behind a Lexington discotheque.

‘Schwasted’ Germantown couple manages to copulate

Despite fears that they were “too drunk to fuck,” Germantown couple Staci Floyd and Eddie Tillman successfully copulated early Sunday morning. “We were totally schwasted,” said Tillman. “I was afraid I was going to throw up and Staci was going to pass out, but we got the job done.

“We probably shouldn’t have had those shots at Seidenfaden’s,” added Floyd. “To be honest, the room was spinning and I thought we were done, but Eddie got me going again on the cab ride home. After that, it was pretty easy, but I’m not going to claim to remember exactly what all we did or where, exactly, we did it.”

Tryangles owner faces criticism over rainbow Nazi flag

Mike Flatt, the owner of the Louisville gay bar Tryangles, is taking more heat over imagery that some in the community find offensive. Months after facing criticism for posting a picture of President Barack Obama depicted as a monkey, Flatt is now being questioned over the new rainbow swastika flag hanging outside of Tryangles.

“This is obviously an ode to the tantric religious symbol of ancient Indian civilization that evokes ‘shakti,’ the sacred symbol of auspiciousness,” Flatt tells LEO. “I just can’t understand why people assume this is some kind of Nazi thing. I guess some people are always trying to find things to get upset over.”

Flatt says charges of anti-Semitism against him have no merit, as some of his best help is Jewish.

Louisville lands on Rand McNally list of cities that are really on the map

Louisville has landed a coveted position in the Rand McNally 2013 Road Atlas. A stoically jubilant Mayor Greg Fischer made the announcement at a luncheon at Pat’s Steakhouse. “This really puts Louisville on the map,” he said.

The book, which is popular with people who aren’t comfortable with Google, displays cities and small towns in a geographical format, which makes it easy for aging motorists to travel around the country. Louisville is listed in boldface on page 20 of the book, which also includes Lexington, Paducah and Big Beaver Lick, as well as 4,923 other places in Kentucky.

Emergency MRI shows Mayor Fischer’s joie de vivre in Lt. Gov. Abramson’s cerebral cortex

An emergency MRI has identified Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer’s joie de vivre lodged in Ky. Lt. Gov. Jerry Abramson’s cerebral cortex, according to doctors at The Brain Trauma Center at Jewish Hospital and St. Mary’s HealthCare.

“It explains a lot,” said Dr. Joy Simpson, a neurologist who made the discovery.

Abramson was rushed to the hospital last week after bumping his head while jumping for joy during a seminar on tax abatements. While the MRI showed no damage to the lieutenant governor’s brain, Simpson noticed a shadow on the image that exactly matched the mayor’s renegade joie de vivre, which was first noticed missing during a routine physical in 2008. Doctors have no explanation for how the unusual switch-up occurred, but say it could be responsible for the demeanor of the two men.

“This is the missing link,” said Simpson. “We’ll need further testing to determine what, if anything, can be done. But this explains why Mr. Abramson can sit through a 10-hour meeting on enterprise zoning looking like he’s having a series of multiple orgasms, while Mayor Fischer often comes away from a cocktail party looking like he just stepped into an elevator full of cabbage farts.”

In a prepared statement, Mayor Fischer said, “Meh.”

Richie Farmer returns urinal cakes to Department of Agriculture

The offices of the State Auditor and Department of Agriculture announced today that former Commissioner of Agriculture Richie Farmer has returned urinal cakes that were the property of the state agency.

The urinal cakes were emblazoned with the “KY Proud” logo, and the underside included Farmer’s signature and the No. 32 from his playing days at UK.

In April, state Auditor Adam Edelen released a scathing report of Farmer’s tenure as commissioner, revealing he took refrigerators, rifles and other department property, in addition to using the labor of state workers to do things like skin his hunting booty.

“We’re not really sure what the purpose of KY Proud urinal cakes was, nor what possible purpose Farmer would have used them for,” said the auditor’s spokeswoman, Stephenie Steitzer. “At least it makes more sense than the VCR he took.”

University of Phoenix researchers closing in on elusive LinkedIn purpose

Despite millions of users and a $9 billion initial public offering, nobody knows what the popular social network LinkedIn actually does. But now University of Phoenix researchers say they are closer than ever to identifying the mysterious website’s elusive purpose.

“We know it has something to do with business, and probably careers in business,” said Richard Weiner, lead researcher on the project. Our initial investigations indicate it’s highly appealing to douchebags, which is why it caught our attention, but it’s also getting a lot of attention in the non-douchebag community.”

According to Weiner, Most people sign up for the service, create an online resume, and then stare blankly at the screen, muttering, “Well, now the fuck what?” They then switch over to Facebook and forget about LinkedIn until annoying emails start rolling in. “We’re optimistic LinkedIn can help our students and alumni here at University of Phoenix land jobs,” said Weiner. “Lord knows, they’ll need it.”

CERN researchers discover alternate Kentucky

University of Zurich physicists working at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland, have discovered an alternate Kentucky. The discovery, which was announced Monday, identified what appears to be an anti-Kentucky, where student test scores are among the nation’s highest, people get right to the point, drivers use their turn signals, gun ownership is rare, and talented, honest people seek political office.

The scientists made the accidental discovery while conducting proton collisions in an attempt to confirm a theory of how quarks bind. “When we cranked the LHC up to seven tera electron volts, we saw an image of thousands of svelte, articulate aesthetes enjoying single malt Scotch and chuckling at New Yorker cartoons,” said researcher Claude Amsler. “Frankly, we didn’t think much of it until we saw a sign that said ‘Waddy/Peytona,’ and we became intrigued.”

Scientists were quick to caution that the discovery doesn’t mean travel to the alternate Kentucky was possible or even desirable. “While the alternate Kentuckians appeared to have many commendable qualities, they didn’t seem very friendly,” said Amsler.

Sen. McConnell to merge with Goldman Sachs

In a surprise announcement that has rocked both Capitol Hill and Wall Street, Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., has announced he is merging with financial services company Goldman Sachs. The new entity, pending approval of the Securities and Exchange Commission and the United States Congress, will be called Gold McConnell Mansachs.

“We’ve always shared the same goal of making America stronger by further enriching our richest Americans,” Sen. McConnell told reporters. “This merger is good for the American economy and, most important, good for the rich people of America.”

The merger of a sitting senator and an American corporation is the first of its kind, but most analysts don’t see a conflict of interest. “How could it help Goldman Sachs?” asked James Wolf, a columnist with Barron’s magazine. “They already do whatever they want. And I don’t see how it helps McConnell. He’s worth tens of millions of dollars even though he’s always been a government employee. It doesn’t seem like they need to merge, but maybe that’s why I’m just a columnist and not a robber baron.

Anne Northup found inside crack of Sherman Minton bridge

Sources in the Kentucky Department of Transportation have told LEO Weekly that during last year’s so-called “Shermageddon,” former Louisville Congresswoman Anne Northup was found inside a crack in the Sherman Minton Bridge.

“We was down in one of them sections and found a big crack, and then sure enough, there’s Anne Northup in there,” says Ray Denton, the contractor who found her. “We pulled her out of there, and she immediately started waving her arms and screaming about John Yarmuth.”

Upon questioning as to how she ended up in the belly of the bridge, Northup claims to have lost her balance and fallen into the crack while changing a flat tire in early 2009. Northup kept herself alive with rainwater, random trash thrown out of windows by motorists, and a family of gulls that looked after her.

Wendell Berry charged with plagiarizing Lil Wayne

A lawsuit filed in Henry County Court charges Kentucky farmer, activist and writer Wendell Berry with plagiarizing a hit song by rapper Lil Wayne. The suit, filed on behalf of Dwayne Michael Carter (who goes by the stage name Lil Wayne) and co-writer Peter Panky (Cory Gunz) alleges that Berry stole lyrics and “intellectual property” from their 2010 hit “6 Foot 7 Foot.”

The Berry poem in question, “Let Us Hear From You,” refers to the Greek mythological giant Antaeus and tells a story of overcoming hardship with the lines, Over and over again/I have been thrown/to the ground. Over and over again/I have risen up. The rappers allege the poem is nearly identical to their song, which includes the lyrics, Bitch, stop playin, I do it like a king do/If these niggas animals then I’ma have a mink soon.

The rappers face an uphill battle, as charges of plagiarism are difficult to prove in court. In 2008, Berry successfully defended his poem “The Mad Farmer’s Love Song” from a lawsuit by death-metal artists Slayer based on their album God Hates Us All.

Larry Birkhead fights accusations of acne

Late last week, Louisville native and sorta celebrity Larry Birkhead began barraging his Twitter followers with Instagrams of his face in distinct settings: a Kohl’s dressing room, a fluorescent-lit warehouse, on a ladder inches away from the production lights in the WAVE 3 news studio.

“See haters?” he wrote with each photo.

According to sources close to Birkhead, the baby-faced baby-daddy is turning to harsh lighting and social media to combat rumors of acne.

The whole ordeal began on the red carpet of the Kentucky Derby. Birkhead, along with his daughter, Dannielynn, strode to the coven of breathless reporters for a photo op. In pure Birkhead form, he gave them a protracted swipe of exactly 1/4 of his bang before kneeling down and pressing cheek to cheek with his celebrated spawn.

Reportedly, Dannielynn blurted, “You’re pwickly. You got pwimples.”

Shocked, Birkhead immediately used his white suit coat to wipe his face free of tanner, proving no such blemish exists. But TMZ ran with it, printing a headline: “Birkhead, that’s a blackhead.”

LEO talked to Birkhead by phone. When we requested a face-to-face interview, he took it as mocking and promptly hung up.

Soujourn bassist kicked out of band for trying to get laid

After years of posting flyers in a failed attempt to start his own band (an avante-garde-emo-electro-funk hybrid), bassist Seth Jeffery finally found acceptance with a group of rock gods … or, rather, godly rockers.

Seemingly out of options, 27-year-old Jeffery sought musical acceptance with the Sojourn Community Church band, and at first, it seemed like a great fit.

“They wear hoodies, have beards. Some of them even smoke American Spirits,” Jeffery recalls. “Sure, the lyrics were about Jesus and the Resurrection and shit, but I thought it was ironic. And after 12 years of practicing alone in my bedroom, it felt good to be worshipped.”

Two months into his stint with the young, hip church band, however, Jeffery made the mistake of trying to use his newfound rock star status to get laid.

Following a particularly spirited service, Jeffery made his move on fellow Sojourner Bethany Stacks. “We were all gathered at the 930 Center enjoying some heavenly Sunergos coffee when Seth struck up a conversation. Next thing I knew, he was rubbing up against me and suggesting we take it back to his place.”

Seeing as Stacks is “not that kind of girl,” the 24-year-old immediately reported the sordid proposition, and Jeffery was kicked out of the band (though Sojourn representatives insist he’s still welcome at church, because no one is excluded, not even sinners who make poor “lifestyle choices”).

In response, Jeffery says the only reason he joined the band was to “hook up with mad bitches,” adding that, “Bethany Stacks is a butterface and a tease, so good luck with that.”

Belle of Louisville captain challenges JK McKnight over ‘captain’ title

Belle of Louisville Captain Edward Smith is mad as hell and wants his title back. Ever since resident hipster and Forecastle Music Festival organizer JK McKnight dubbed himself “captain,” Smith says he’s felt slighted and unappreciated. Smith filed a lawsuit to reclaim his name on Tuesday. “There’s only room for one captain in this town,” Smith says. “And I’ve held this position for more than 20 years. No curly-haired Highlands punk is gonna take that away!”

In a statement released this morning, McKnight said: “I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but ‘captain’ is just what they call me. I shine national attention upon this city every July — what does Smith do? Drive a boat around the Ohio River? I’d like a public apology from Smith, or I plan to file a lawsuit as well. And I want him to say this: ‘You sank my battleship.’”

When asked to comment, Smith said, “O Captain! My Captain! Rise up and hear the Belle!” May the best captain win.

LG&E announces plans for ‘Superdome’ over Cane Run plant

Acknowledging the complaints of neighbors and the continued notices of violation from Metro government, LG&E has announced plans to build a “Superdome” over their Cane Run power plant and coal ash landfill.

After a 50-foot screen failed to keep coal ash from blowing onto neighboring houses, the Metro Air Pollution Control District warned LG&E that drastic measures would have to be taken, lest the multi-billion dollar company face another $5,000 fine.

“We want to be good neighbors to those around us,” says LG&E spokesman Chris Whelan. “And we hope that this new structure with an area of 150 million cubic feet containing the full plant is a good-faith step in that direction.”

Despite their plans to build the dome, LG&E continues to deny that any coal ash has escaped their property, and even if it did, they maintain coal ash is perfectly safe.

“This should not be interpreted as an admission of wrongdoing,” Whalen says of the Superdome.

Sharper Image buys rights to mayor’s voice for new white noise product

With Metro Government facing a large deficit, Mayor Greg Fischer announced today that he’s reached an agreement with The Sharper Image, which will shell out millions to utilize his unique gift of monotone gab.

Fischer — well known for lulling an audience into a groggy state with waves of humdrum talking points — has sold the rights to his voice to The Sharper Image for use in their new white noise machine, a product that helps people fall asleep.

Metro Government will receive $5 million from the contract, which gives The Sharper Image the rights to all available recordings of Fischer’s speeches and interviews. Fischer has also agreed to cut new audio samples for the company, in which he explains in great detail the inner workings of an automatic ice dispenser over and over and over again.

“Ultimately, it’s a win-win for the city,” Fischer tells LEO. “We get much-needed funds to maintain vital services for our city and …”

(Editor’s Note: Due to a sudden onset of lethargy, the reporter was unable to complete the interview with Mayor Fischer.)

Archdiocese takes responsibility for Pope Lick Monster

At a press conference this afternoon, under the Pope Lick train trestle, the Archdiocese of Louisville addressed the longstanding mysterious scourge dubbed the Pope Lick Monster.

In front of an LMPD sketch of the horned, demonic goat beast, the archbishop took a deep breath, reached for the large drawing pad, and flipped a page to reveal a picture of the majestic Vatican with his papal majesty and a legion of holy men peering around an ancient marble train trestle.

“We’ve stood idly by as generations of children have fallen prey to an unspeakable force,” the archbishop said. “We’ve used Pope Lick Creek for Vatican-ordered retreats for hundreds of years. And over the course of history, many have just fallen in love with these untouched, moist woods and decided to stick it … um, stick around.”

“What about all the tortured teens who’ve come here looking for a scare only to emerge scarred for life?” asked a reporter. “What do you say to that?”

“For that, I do apologize,” he retorted.

“Well, is it over? Can kids return to the woods?” the reporter asked.

A portly, alabaster-skinned priest, new to Louisville following a stint at an Indiana Catholic boys’ school, leapt forward, “Yes! Please! Tell them it’s safe!”

‘Hipsters Heart Hurstbourne’ launched

The Great American Shops of Hurstbourne (GASH) district and Solving Pedestrians’ Red, Aching, Worn Legs (SPRAWL) have joined forces with AC Entertainment to unveil the “Hipsters Heart Hurstbourne” campaign.

“For too long, we have been known for our Walmarts and Buca di Beppos,” campaign organizer JK McKnight shouted into a megaphone (courtesy of Kmart) in front of the new “Bourne Free” loft-style housing co-op. “Whereas neighborhoods like the Highlands and Old Louisville are bound by space, Hurstbourne is bound only by the imagination.”

Following a nascent movement to gentrify long-ignored and under-funded spaces, Mayor Greg Fischer has backed McKnight in bundling investors for what’s being dubbed a thriving coffee-and-tech-based community.

“I heard the next generation of kids would become ‘urban pioneers,’” Fischer said, flicking air quotes. “I’m just happy to see you’ve come to your senses. It’s way safer and way more bustling out here.”

The hipster’s eastward momentum started when the Original Makers Club Facebook page mistakenly advertised IHOP as a local “geek chic,” Steve Jobs-themed brewery. But once one hipster realized the potential irony in a Rooty Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity, the migration was in full swing.

“I think you’ll see we have your ‘Super Region’ right here! Am I right, people?” McKnight boasted, as a local vegan baker presented a pan of oversized olive oil-and-lemongrass cupcakes spelling out “It Was the Best of Times — It Was the Hurst of Times.”

Metro issues Occupy permit for New Albany

Under pressure to actually show compassion, rather than just talking about it at every press conference or ribbon cutting, Mayor Fischer has announced two significant decisions: 1) He won’t charge interest on the $7,000 owed by Occupy Louisville for damage their “tent city” inflicted upon Founders Square park, and 2) he’s decided to grant protestors a new permit that will allow them to camp overnight in a public space … in New Albany.

“Louisville is a world-class city,” Fischer said. “New Albany, frankly, isn’t. NuLu, not New Albany, is being written about in The New York Times and other national press outlets. I think Occupy will fill in that city’s vacant storefronts quite nicely. Their permit is in my office along with about a dozen one-way bus tickets.”

LEO contacted New Albany Mayor Jeff Gahan by phone to discuss the matter

“What are you talking about?” he said. “Fischer can’t issue a permit for New Albany. That’s nonsense. WTF? Is he mad?”

When pressed by reporters on how one city could override another municipality, Fischer simply answered, “This isn’t personal, it’s business.”

Monsanto opening farmers market at Norton Commons

In an effort to become “more like the Highlands, minus the weirdos,” Louisville’s favorite Stepford community has announced a partnership with prolific produce Goliath Monsanto in the opening of a new farmers market at Norton Commons. The market, which will be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, will feature all things vegetabley, available in bulk quantities. Just how people like it.

“We see this new market as Costco meets corner store,” a recorded message at Monsanto’s global headquarters told LEO. “We thought we’d one-up the whole farm to fork movement with our own special approach: Farm to Forklift®.”

When asked if the goods sold at the new market would be local, the recording mechanically responded, “Really, when you think about it, everything is grown locally. How can something not be grown where it is grown? Wherever anything is at any given time is where it is currently existing, locally.”

The new market will also have everything else folks who live in real neighborhoods have come to expect from a farmers market. The Monsanto recording further explained, “We’ll have Cokes and Gogurts and Lunchables for the kiddos, along with take-n-bake pizzas, white wine spritzers and Xanax for the grown-ups.”

U.S. Supreme Court rules Papa John a ‘person’

In a landmark 9-0 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that Papa John Schnatter is a person. The ruling is expected to have widespread ramifications for corporate America and potentially change the very fabric of American society. The decision comes two years after the Court’s highly controversial Citizens United case, in which the justices ruled that corporations are also people.

With both corporations and their officers now legally human, the ruling is expected to open the floodgates of compassion, integrity and honesty heretofore unknown in corporate America. The judges unanimously agreed with plaintiff’s attorneys who argued that “… since the dawn of the corporation, humans have banded together as shareholders to do what the vast majority of them would never do as individuals: steal, pollute, poison and otherwise exploit their neighbors for money.” Papa John and, by extension, corporate officers everywhere are now free to be as compassionate and empathetic as your best friend or your next-door neighbor.

A nationwide outpouring of empathy was immediate. Insurance companies stopped denying claims, and fast-food companies pulled frankenfoods from their restaurants. Meanwhile, scores of companies serving the military appeared on the verge of collapse as their corporate officers emerged from a sleepy, drunken haze of power, pledged to “stop the madness,” and ordered their swords ground into plowshares. In a statement, Schnatter said, “From now on, better ingredients — for real this time!”

‘Super Region’ downgraded to ‘So-So’

Upon the realization that suburban sprawl is, in fact, not a super idea, Louisville and Lexington officials have agreed to rebrand a campaign to effectively merge the state’s two largest cities.

Originally dubbed the “Super Region,” the newly named “So-So Region” still proposes the creation of a Louisville-Lexington “mega-city,” only the expected result is now much more realistic.

“It’s still going to be a mega-region, just not quite as spectacular as all the initial hype might have suggested,” says Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer. “However, we remain hopeful that bland suburbs flanked by Targets and Red Lobsters will line the I-64 corridor. After that, an industry boom — or at least a whimper — is sure to follow.”

In an effort to jazz up the admittedly average undertaking, officials are working to come up with some new slogans; top contenders include “Kick Back and Relax in Traffic,” “It’s Sprawl, Y’all,” and “Smart Growth is for Suckers!”

Rand Paul files legislation to end all legislation

Sen. Rand Paul today filed legislation that would hereby end all new legislation in America.

“An overbearing federal government is strangling job creators and ordinary, hard-working Americans,” Paul says. “As Ronald Reagan famously said, ‘Government is the problem.’”

Paul’s legislation would effectively disband Congress, selling the Capitol Building off to the highest bidder, with those proceeds going toward a tax rebate for people making over $100 million this fiscal year.

“Sure, there are plenty of new laws I’d like to see passed, like a ban on water-efficient toilets and mandatory ultrasounds for women seeking abortions,” Paul says. “But ultimately, new legislation has the capability of doing too much harm.”

David Williams resorts to bullying children at Frankfort playground

Senate President David Williams — long known for his iron grip over the chamber in Frankfort — is adjusting to his decreased relevance and power in state government following a blowout defeat last fall.

In order to satisfy his thirst for power and bossing around underlings, sources tell LEO that Williams now spends much of his time at Frankfort’s Dolly Graham Park, where he serves as the playground’s de facto bully ringleader.

“The guy is a total jerk,” says an 8-year-old boy who declined to be identified, fearing retaliation. “But he’s a lot bigger than us, so we just kind of do what he says.”

Aruna Patel, a 9-year-old girl who has played at the park for years (well, three years), says that Williams has created a culture of fear at the park, as kids can use the swing set and slide only with his permission.

“He said I have a ‘dykey’ haircut and that my parents worship false gods, and he forced the other kids to laugh at me,” Patel says. “I don’t even know what ‘dykey’ means …”

Williams has enlisted 10-year-old Johnny Frazier as his top deputy to enforce swing and slide privileges when Williams is not there, with orders not to allow access to children listed as enemies.

“Do I like doing this?” asks Frazier. “Of course not. But I want to use the playground, and I won’t be able to do that if I get on Williams’ bad side. And until playground leadership changes, that’s just the way it’s going to be.”

Kentucky decides which children to leave behind

The bluegrass recently became one of 10 states granted a No Child Left Behind waiver, with U.S. Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan declaring it’s now up to those states to come up with an accountability model.

It’s a task Kentucky Education Commissioner Terry Holliday has embraced. “After a decade of that nightmare No Child Left Behind, we’ve gotten a waiver,” Holliday said, pumping his fist into the air.

Wearing a “Duncan is Dreamy” pin, Holliday revealed the first part of his plan, which includes methodically purging historically low-performing kids from classrooms come testing day.

“Listen, schools can’t control where a kid comes from or whether or not they can speak English,” Holliday said. “It’s not fair that those outside societal factors drag our overall scores down.”

Holliday then read the list of student groups that will no longer have to prove they’ve learned anything.

“Obviously, poor kids, black males, ESL students and special education students,” he said. “This isn’t personal. It’s just what the data is telling us. Oh, and given the current political climate, we fear this ‘war on women’ may have a real effect on young girls’ sense of worth. So we’re still debating whether or not we want to invest in females.”

Motorist captures video of David Williams being nice

A motorist has captured video footage of Kentucky Senate President David Williams being nice. The video, which has gone viral on YouTube, shows Williams helping a little old lady cross a busy street in Frankfort. Williams can clearly be heard telling the unidentified woman to “have a wonderful day.”

Analysts disagree about what the shocking footage means for the senator’s future in politics.

“It can only be good for him,” said Harry Salato, a University of Kentucky political scientist. “Sen. Williams was trounced in his bid for governor, and most observers consider him one of the biggest dicks in the history of Kentucky politics.”

But others fear the new video won’t sit well with Williams’ base. “Republicans like their leaders mean,” said Ron David Pike, president of the Mitch McConnell Club for Angry White Men. “If Williams is smart, he’ll propose some anti-immigration legislation pronto and hope the voters forget about Old Ladygate before the next election. And it wouldn’t hurt to kick a puppy.”

‘Kentucky Wonders’ renamed ‘Kentucky Funders,’ with new focus on coal, cigarettes and bourbon

It’s been about a year since the businessman who’s helped keep Louisville weird unveiled his bold project known as Kentucky Wonders, a roadside attraction nestled in Cave City — the kitsch capital of the bluegrass.

This week, Will Russell updated a rapt audience of thinkers and dreamers on the fate of the much-anticipated project. “Well, the project is back on track,” Russell proclaimed in front of his WHY Louisville store.

He went on to explain that investors found his project “risky.” As it turns out, Russell said, Kentucky Wonders T-shirt sales and the ardent support of penniless hipsters “won’t cover start-up costs,” especially given the liability insurance Russell needed for the featured log ride along a river of beer.

“The good news is, I have found some donors,” Russell said. “I just need to tweak the main attraction, Kentucky Rushmore.”

Kentucky Rushmore, you may recollect, is a take on Mount Rushmore, originally featuring Col. Sanders, Secretariat, Muhammad Ali and Abraham Lincoln. The new theme park, dubbed Kentucky Funders, is a peak-less Rushmore (apparently a victim of mountaintop removal) and will boast a cart of coal, a bottle of Maker’s Mark and a pack of smokes.

“Fortunately, though, while we’ve had to amend our vision at the request of our funders, Secretariat has survived,” said Russell, pointing to the smiling Triple Crown winner puffing on a cig.

Archbishop accidentally buys abortion Groupon

Archbishop Joseph E. Kurtz accidentally bought a Groupon for an abortion, the archdiocese announced on Monday. The archbishop, an admitted “Groupon junkie,” was trying to buy a discounted pair of shoes when he “clicked in the wrong place,” resulting in a 69 percent discount on a pregnancy termination, which includes a free gynecological exam.

“This is rather embarrassing,” a sheepish Rev. Kurtz said at an impromptu news conference. “We’re looking into what, if anything, can be done. The good news is that I was still able to order these fabulous Sperry Top-Sider boat Oxford saddle shoes in navy and blue seersucker,” he added, modeling his new footwear for reporters.

Bar Belle finally receives key to city, promptly loses it

History was in the making last night as Mayor Fischer finally presented LEO’s Bar Belle with a key to the city in a ceremony at the Back Door. She’s had her sights set on the key for years — even before Fischer took the throne.

When former mayor Jerry Abramson slammed the city hall doors in her face, she sat back and waited for another chance. Soon after Fischer took office, the columnist unleashed a barrage of emails, flowers, shot glasses, drunken threats and singing telegrams. Tired of the tirade and hoping to inspire her to focus her energy elsewhere, Fischer agreed to hand over the key. “The Bar Belle inspires us all to be better people — at least better than her,” the mayor said. “The city is in good hands as long as CityScoot is around.”

Following the ceremony, the Bar Belle celebrated to extremes and lost the key. A reward of $20 and a lap dance are being offered.

One million Kentuckians urge Rand Paul to ‘Go Galt’

A petition with the signatures of 1 million Kentuckians was delivered to the D.C. office of Sen. Rand Paul today, calling for Kentucky’s junior senator to emulate John Galt, the hero of Ayn Rand’s masterpiece “Atlas Shrugged.”

“Much like the great John Galt,” the petition reads, “whose brilliant ideas and rugged individualism were not appreciated by the collectivists of his time, Rand Paul’s defense of liberty from a tyrannical federal government has tragically fallen on deaf ears in the U.S. Senate.”

The petition further urges Paul to “resign from the Senate and sequester yourself to a land far away from both D.C. and Kentucky. This strike — ‘Going Galt,’ if you will — sends a message to the statists currently in control of our country, who are not worthy of, nor intellectually able to comprehend, your objectivist vision for America.”

The petition concludes by saying that if those in power do not adopt Paul’s ideas — thus inevitably plunging America into a police state ruled with an iron fist by an alliance of the Bilderberg Group, United Nations, and leaders of the global homosexual agenda — Paul will be welcomed back from exile as the prophetic savior of America.

Despite previous criticism of Paul, the petition (specifically, the exile portion) was endorsed by groups such as Kentuckians for the Commonwealth and every labor union in the state. Sources close to Sen. Mitch McConnell tell LEO he also was supportive.

In an official statement, Sen. Paul acknowledged he was flattered but would not consider exiling himself unless his run for president in 2016 is unsuccessful.

*These stories are part of LEO’s Fake Issue.