Issue March 12, 2012

What we are fearing today

Family planning. Gluten. Credit card fees. Being scanned in an airport and having pictures of our naughty bits turn up on the Internet.

Kidnappings in distant cities. Prescription foul-ups at the drugstore. Negative comments on our Facebook updates. Running into a neighbor who’s had his meds mixed up at the drugstore. Not being retweeted. Greek debt.

That corporations might be getting away with murder. That we won’t be able to check our email unless one of these damn stoplights turns red. Solar storms.

Post-traumatic stress. Postal-traumatic stress. That we might never scuba dive. That we might.

That those hybrid car people might be right. That fried fish might not really be much of a sacrifice. Whether these pants make our butts look big. Whether these other pants adequately display the grandeur of our butts. That this job might be slowly killing us.

That our senator is a criminal and there’s nothing we can do to stop him. Whether getting this tattoo is a horrible mistake. Hail. Sunburn. That someone somewhere might be using our credit cards right now to buy fake Rolexes. That God has never shown himself. That he will.

That this sushi tastes a little fishy. That that three pointer won’t go in. That that other one will.

The outdoors. That our phone might be old fashioned even though we’ve had it only six months. That someone might be spying on us via our own computer cameras. Pre-existing conditions.

Xanthan gum. Cancer. That we might not be getting enough vitamin D.

Vampires. That we might be going to last year’s bar. That we might not know how to order drinks at this year’s bar. That a Kardashian might someday come along with talent and we might miss it.

Accidentally saying something bigoted. That the mountains might soon be all gone. That our city is slightly less cool than another city across the country according to a magazine. Homeless people. That we are only a few steps away from being homeless.

Gun-wielding lunatics. That we’re the only one who doesn’t get what’s so great about this graphic novel. That they’re going to take our guns away.

That we’ll never sell a screenplay. That, sure, this coffee is fair-trade but is it locally roasted? That we might be like those people in the ’50s, ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s and ’00s, who had no idea how ridiculous their fashions looked. That science is kicking art’s ass. That art is making science look sterile. That conservatives have some good ideas. That liberals have more compassion.

That Google is going to get its hands on that old yearbook photo. That everything in restaurants tastes like pork.

That the stock market will plummet and our 401ks will be destroyed. That someone is making an unfair amount of money in the stock market. That someone is having sex in a way that is unnatural. That we’re not getting laid in unconventional ways. That cheese + pills might not be the best cholesterol-management lifestyle. That that other lunch over there looks so much better than ours.

That there might be something amiss with the size, shape, appearance or endurance of our genitals. That we have over-whitened our teeth.

That some cool slang word will spring up and we’ll be the last to know about it. That Quora and Pinterest might be out of fashion before we have a chance to find out what they are.

That Shakespeare might not have written those plays. Terrorism. That heroin must be awesome but we’ll never know.

That we might be eating from the wrong food truck. That “truck” is not really a word that goes with “food.” That Obama might not know what he’s doing. That he might. Pirates. That we might be making noises when we sit down and aren’t even aware of it. That we might soon have to drink recycled toilet water. That we always have. That this is all there is.

Autocorrect. That our spouse is too good for us. That other countries will get the same weapons of mass destruction we have. That we’re not sure exactly where we fall on the straight/gay continuum.

That some people worship a different god. That some people worship the same god but in a different way. That some people don’t worship god enough. That some people worship god too much.

Each other.

That we are running out of things to fear.