Something’s fishy in the water around here, but I wouldn’t know — I only drink beer and bourbon. Unfortunately, there’s something fishy in that, too. Our bars are disappearing at an alarming rate. Within the last few weeks, we’ve lost a handful. Gone are Zeppelin Café, Starbase Q, The Recovery Room, Derby City Espresso and Tink’s (which will have its last blast on New Year’s Eve). Also lost within the last few months — Longshot Tavern and Brendan’s.
We need to organize a movement to save our pubs — Binge Local! — or at least launch Occupy Bar Stool. I’m willing to camp out at my favorite watering hole in order to garner attention for such an important movement. I’m sure the Back Door wouldn’t mind us showing up in PJs and crashing on the couch afterhours. Wait … didn’t they get rid of that couch? Plan B: We stage a pillow fight/shotgun-beer competition at Nachbar. The winner gets to open his or her own bar in one of the recently demised spots.
In all seriousness, we need to remember to frequent our locally owned bars and restaurants. Do you really want your only happy hour option to be Applebee’s? Do you want the only margarita in town to be the sour-mix monstrosity that Tumbleweed serves? What if the only dive bar in town became the back booth in BW3’s … because you unscrewed the light bulb that hovered above?
As The Bar Belle of this fair city, it’s my job to incite panic. Run, don’t walk, to your neighborhood tavern and order a drink. If you’re adventurous, order a shot and some cheese fries. I will be canvassing the city with Binge Local! stickers. Just remember: It takes a village.
So I’m a little late on getting you my list this year. I’m still recovering from Halloween …
Bar Belle’s X-mas List
• Bottle of Bulleit Rye Whiskey
• Hangover cure
• Kathy Griffin tickets
• Under-eye wrinkle cure
• Get Out of Jail Free Pass
• A Snooki playdate
• Another pizza/ice cream/coffee/cupcake shop on Bardstown Road
• The return of Zima
• “The Bar Belle” book to be required reading for all college freshmen
• A case of Red Bull
• Lindsay Lohan (I will fix her up and give her back by next year, promise.)
• The keys to the city
• A new Pussycat Doll
• A Kegerator
• More gay bars
• More candy stores
• Bottle of New Amsterdam gin
• My own beer
• A new bra (that doesn’t smell like a hot tub)
• Lifetime City Scoot membership
• A trolley for my bar hop
• Streisand at the Yum! Center
• A new bridge
• More dick jokes
• The O.W.N. network
• The disappearance of Justin Bieber, calorie counting, spiders, Michele Bachmann, the expression “Git ’er done,” drivers who don’t use turn signals, cramps and white chocolate
• A new car (given by Oprah or Gayle)
Drunk Texts of the Week
• U r a razor blade in a bubble bath
• Hot ass at 9 oclock … Pacific time!!
• I feel like those cartoon characters who live at the bottom of the ocean — the Snorts!
• Last nite 14 PBRs, 2day i got the movements like Jagger!
Book tour continues Saturday at Dundee Tavern from 2-4 p.m. Check out facebook.com/barbellebook.