Welcome to Summary of My Discontent. Thank you for reading this column. Whether you are reading it in print, browser, Facebook, Twitter, blog, smart phone or tablet, this column, as always, comes to you completely free of charge.
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Punctuation Fee: $5. While many (but not all; see below) of the words in this column are free of surcharges, we have recently had to implement a Punctuation Fee in order to offset the ever-rising cost of punctuation worldwide. If you’d like to avoid this fee, please download this column and remove the punctuation, which you can then sell on the open market to recoup your losses.
Adjective Fee: $1 each. It was a dark and stormy night when we came up with the tricky and insidious idea to charge you this unnecessary, useless, pointless, superfluous and gratuitous fee.
Sarcasm Fee: $7.50. We REALLY appreciate your business and we TOTALLY value your opinion and we are SO sorry to have to implement this fee.
Supplier Surcharge: $50/quarter ounce. So, what we do is, we gather up these supplier surcharges, see, so we can pay our supplier.
Sneaky Fee Fee: $20. Our most meta fee, the Sneaky Fee Fee makes no bones about what it’s for: It’s for making us some mo-nay.
Tea Fee: $1,000. If you like to complain about taxes while also supporting a climate of deregulation that rewards corporations who charge unfair fees that do nothing but enrich those companies and enable them to “exercise their free speech” by making large contributions to politicians who overlook corporations who impose devious consumer fees, you are going to love this totally free-market fee, which is in no way a tax.
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Dealer Preparation Fee: $150. Our dealer isn’t going to prepare himself. (Please refer to Supplier Surcharge above.)
Appraisal Fee: $75. You’re probably wondering how your enjoyment of this column is going so far. Fortunately, we’ve done an appraisal and it seems to be going fine. That’ll be $75.
Origination Fee: $25. Known in some alternative publications as the Big Bang Fee, the Evolution Fee, the Adam and Eve Fee, the Lord Brahma Fee or the Turtle Mother Fee, this is a fee we charge our readers to supplement the massive amount of ink and electrons it takes to constantly remind the American people that they have freedom both of and from religion.
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Extended Warranty: $50. See Insurance.
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