1.5 million years B.C.-2012
Fire bad, tree pretty. No! Wait … ugh, fire good! Yeah, me like-a fire. Me want touch fire … OWWW! Fire bad! Hit fire! Smash! Nooo! Fire angry now! Fire jump and burn all around! Me pray to rain god — take back fire into night sky!
No, stop. Take stock … me evolve. Ugh. Me see fire as tool. Oog. Fire not bad. Fire just energy released from rapid oxidation of carbon-based molecule when atoms rearrange and break covalent bonds. Fire good. Og, fire like stone — can help and hurt. Me hit stone, make spark. Spark make fire. Fire cook mammoth meat. Ooog! Mammoth burger attract girlfriend, make horny. Fire good! Ugh! Now fire protect family pod from cold. Fire let see in dark. Scare away brontosaur. Ugh! That right, me say “brontosaur.” Me keeps it old-school. Class of 7000 B.C., that me school. The fighting Saber-Tooth Cats. Cheerleader hot like fire. We win basketball bracket — good offense — use fire, burn opposition. Ugh! Fire good!
Friday, April 1
New Albanian hosts domestic beer tasting
New Albanian Brewing Company, a local microbrewery and pub that specializes in hoppy and heavy craft ales, will hold a beer tasting Friday evening at its main location just off Grant Line Road in New Albany. Some of the beers that will be on hand include Natural Light, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Bud Ice, Keystone Dry, Red Dog, Busch and Old Milwaukee. “We’ll also be tapping kegs of both traditional Coors ‘banquet’ beer and Coors Light,” said NABC owner Roger Baylor. “This is definitely an if-you-can’t-beat-’em-join-’em move. If people are truly stupid enough to enjoy this urine soda, we may as well see if we can as well. Also, we figure that if our palates can actually detect a difference in any of this offensive swill, it will only improve our senses.” Baylor also said there will be food pairings as well as guest speakers, including noted beer expert John Holl, who will lead a 45-minute roundtable discussion about pairing Natural Light with cat shit.
Relive the days of yesteryear by seeing a cover band this weekend. Dance with one hand inexplicably held in the air, eyes closed, the other hand clutching a tepid Bud Light. Feel the groove when the band plays “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll,” then squeal and pack-dance with your drunk friends in the second set when they fire up a tuned-down version of “Brown-Eyed Girl.” Do at least three test-tube shots, then be sure to show your best duck face when someone snaps a photo of your staggering ass with their iPhone. When the band’s third set starts, scream “Pour Some Sugar On Me” at the top of your lungs and finish off your fourth domestic beer. You’re 37 and divorced, after all, and it was your birthday last month, so you deserve to hear some Def Leppard, goddammit. When the lead singer mouths the words, “Our bass player doesn’t know it,” scream at him, “Your band SUCKS!” Then gather your friends and go to Phoenix Hill Tavern to listen to some Creed covers.
If you’re looking for a free steak lunch, you’ll find it at PT’s. If it’s bare boobies you’re looking for, thanks to the city’s new adult entertainment ordinance, you’ll have to A) head to Indiana, or B) convince your lady to take it all off at home. We recommend the latter, and this is how it’s done:
Don something naughty — you can squeeze into your old Catholic high school uniform or put on that slutty nurse (or slutty cop, or slutty French maid, or slutty slut) costume you wore for Halloween. Avoid apparel with too many buckles or buttons, or clothing that is especially unsexy, including corduroy jumpers, mom jeans, theme sweaters, blazers with shoulder pads, or anything purchased at Chico’s. Once in the right ensemble, find the right music. Examples of songs to avoid: “Tears in Heaven” (too sad), “The Greatest Love of All” (too inspirational), “Blowin’ in the Wind” (too political), “Who Let the Dogs Out?” (for obvious reasons). Then go slow, be sexy and try to keep a straight face. Oh, and you might want to get drunk first.
Saturday, April 2
Lookin’ for a good time but tired of the same old frat shit at Fourth Street Live and Baxter Avenue? Point your Volkswagen toward Dixie Highway and enjoy the delights the Shively neighborhood offers. Named after farmer Christian William Shively, who claimed the territory as his own in 1810, the bustling area of town is now host to a slew of dive bars and chain restaurants. Want to line dance to some karaoke? D.T.’s Bar & Grill is the place. Need some beer to go? Stop in at Ott’s Tavern and have a pint while they bag up your six-pack of Natty Light. If it’s tee you’re totaling, worry not. There’s a Louisville Free Public Library branch, a healthcare center and a Christian church to keep you occupied. Pick Shively, where the folks are lively.
Sunday, April 3
Shout out to Hal Heiner
Hey Hal! It’s been a while since we’ve seen you out and about, so we just wanted to say hello. Ever since you narrowly missed out on the chance to serve as Louisville’s first Republican mayor in four decades, you’ve kept a low profile. On Sundays, you skulk into Southeast Christian, but you don’t even sing along. Even though we disagreed on some pretty critical issues — like, for instance, we love the gays — we always liked you. Perhaps it’s your pearly perma-grin or that endearingly goofy laugh or the fact that you seem to sincerely care about this city. Regardless, we just wanted to tell you to keep your chin up and relish the fact that Louisville isn’t going to hell in a hand basket on your watch. I mean, chemical spills, a $22 million budget deficit, historic buildings on the brink of destruction … it’s a hot mess up in here. So enjoy your freedom from civic responsibility.
Monday, April 4
I came across an amazing discovery while channel surfing for scrambled porn on my cable box. Although made in the ’80s and featuring nothing even remotely resembling porn, save for the handful of PG-13 sex scenes, the film “Dirty Dancing” was remarkably original, engaging and compelling. I’m not sure why it never caught on with the general public — my guess is that its setting in a 1960s Jewish family resort in the Catskill Mountains turned some people off. But if you can, catch it on Lifetime or TNT … or, better yet, add it your Netflix queue and check out the DVD bonuses.
Starring the hunky Patrick Swayze and naïve Jennifer Grey, the coming-of-age drama tells the sordid story of finding first love on a dance floor. Baby (Grey) dismisses her father’s rule and falls for her beefcake dance instructor (Swayze) — with a little bit of abortion, class warfare and watermelon mixed in for good measure. Nobody should put this timeless tale in a corner. You’ll have the time of your life, trust me. It’s better than porn.
Tuesday, April 5
Metro Council meeting
Why watch vapid reality TV when you can watch government in action — live! — by attending a meeting of Louisville’s Metro Council? Bored to the brink of suicide? Tune into MetroTV to find out what happens when 26 legislators stop being polite and start getting real! Watch the riveting spectacle of your optimistic childhood notions of governance and the legislative process implode in an exciting firestorm of ineptitude and largess! Wish that you lived in an overtly totalitarian police state instead of putting up with this shit! Interested contestants can apply every two years, or whenever one resigns due to scandal.