Two weeks ago, I beckoned you to give me your best drunken Shakespeare — write a poem about beer to score two tickets to the Top of the Hops beer fest. The winner, as decided by a sober LEO staff, was Robert Lutz, who just so happened to include my name in his poetic prose — a coincidence, I swear. Here are the entrants. They’re best read with a 10-year scotch over ice.
By Robert Lutz
There once was a Bar Belle named Havens
Quite well known for her Jager-fueled ravin’s.
But when Top of the Hops
Came to town for a stop
She gave in to her urgent beer cravin’s.
Phil the Beer
By Justin Lewis
Phil the beer cried a big tear, for his weight was starting to gain
He had to lose the chub, to fit the bathtub, in the house he bought in Maine
So he put on his “sneaks,” threw away the treats, and ran with all his might
And when he came back, to his lovely love shack, he brewed straight into light.
He called all his friends to start up a trend, to help change all beer’s health
The friends all laughed, still called him fat, and told him he would lose his wealth
But Phil the beer never lost fear and told them they were slobs
He put on his shoes, shook off his blues, and went to “Top of the Hops”
As he walked in, he showed his big grin, full of froth and foam
To show all his might, that he was now light, around he started to roam
At around ten, he saw some big men, poking holes in cans
Shooting they said, it will clear up your head, and help you become a man
He decided to try, it couldn’t hurt a fly, except he became hooked
He soon got drunk, and forgot how to rhyme and started to fall over all the vendor tables and it was just messy.
The next day he woke up and realized he had gained the weight back …
Light beer sucks
Ode to Beer
By Steve Pittman
Older than bourbon,
vodka, gin and brandy
It is, in fact
The oldest written recipe
Although who invented it
But Plato said, “He was a wise man
who invented beer”
Very easy to brew
With not much toil
Started 9000 B.C. in Iraq
Before they knew the value of oil
Enjoyed by kings and peasants
Einstein and Shakespeare
And upon running out
Why the Pilgrims landed here
The most popular drink
Second only to tea
Oh to live in Japan
Where it’s sold in vending machines
Twas a sad day in America
for every mother’s son
When the nectar stopped flowing
Now we have many laws
For criminals to be caught
The only law beer now has
One is not enough
And too many, you snooze
I guess that’s how we got the phrase
Mind your P’s and Q’s
It’s the one saving grace
On a hot sunny day
It was the one reward for
My elixir and I
In our reclining chair
Sad that for every glass,
Some is lost in my facial hair
Could man create anything better
On sea or by land
The best beer in the world
Is the one in my hand
By Les Hamilton
With so many names on my beer card
Be it a Raging Bitch from Flying Dog
Add in some Stones Arrogant Bastard
Maybe just some generic old Grog
It all serves us so well
Makes us sleep late
And with a bit of luck
It helps us to mate
In our beer goggles we see our perfect date
We leave the bar with such a match
We are soul mates, it must be fate
Then I woke up and thought, what did I catch?
By Joe Schweinhart
There is a drink that makes things clear,
It is a drink we all call beer.
I drink it down and swish it around,
and I do it all over town.
My only wish is for more homebrew
So I could drink more with you.
Many seem to not have a clue when I talk about beer and brew.
When I quietly settle down …
It’s another tour of bars around town.
Beer is Love
By Kevin Riggins
A pint is drawn before my eyes
I sniff your froth, a malty prize
You greet my lips, my tongue, my teeth
My uvula you slide beneath
You bathe my throat without a fuss
You tickle my esophagus
Oh tummy and bladder resent you so
Another glass away you go
Dear hoppy bubbly malt beverage
My deep devotion I do pledge
You calm my nerves and ease my brain
You’re worth the acid reflux pain
By Melissa F.
Beer is definitely my favorite brew.
Late in the evening, it tells me what to do.
“Look over there. Steal that vase of flowers.”
“Go talk to that girl. Ask if she wants a golden shower.”
No matter how crazy, no matter how bold.
The sweet whisper of beer always takes hold.
Only when I wake up the next morning with vase still in hand,
Do I curse beer and for all that it stands.
Of course, this feeling only lasts until midday,
When the whisper from the bar again floats my way …
By Scotto Benningfield
Glass and colored labels dance around
Created and evocative spirits
Amongst gratuitous bar sounds
Crowded dead soldiers on a table
Is this the line to the WC?
I don’t feel so stable!
Levity, cheer and affable charm
Dispositioned with occasional stammer
The palate’s imbued, happily swarmed
To see old friends or make some new
Tis an escape from the pace
Beer affects our much-needed social glue
Cheaper Than Water
By Shannon O’Donnell
I used to hate you
Until I went to Germany
Where I discovered a magical land
And flowing golden beer
I was curious
It was cheaper than water
And four chocolate bars later
I found my German accent
And ate some damn good cheese
No fridge in the hostel
Hope this plastic baggie
Hanging outside the window
That precious gold
Back in the States
It took some time to adjust
Was that just a fling?
A traveling romance kind-of-thing?
No this one will last
Living the Miller High Life
in those Coors Blue Mountains
I only wish beer
Was cheaper than water here.
Drunk Texts of the Week
•2 slaps = 1 punch
•Today’s agenda: beer then queer
•U got my tab, rght??
•U got my cab, rght??
•Hes like a floating turd tht wnt flush!
•Jagerbmbs wll loosen tght screws!
•R u OK?? Call me if u pass out!!
•i wanna dive n ur fox hole
Remember to save your drunk texts and e-mail them to email@example.com first thing Monday morning! I know I’m not the only one who’s texted their boss at 4 a.m. …