Issue June 23, 2009

Further essential reading

JCC to offer homeless studies courses

Chucking empty beer cans at homeless children wasn’t Abigail Maupin’s proudest moment. But when Wayside Christian Mission tried to buy the former Mercy Academy complex on East Broadway last year, she was furious. The upbeat Highlands resident felt she was defending the upscale turf from the invasion of Louisville’s least fortunate.

“It is one thing to support homelessness in theory, but to see and smell their suffering, yuck,” Maupin explains, before throwing up in her mouth a little. “Excuse me, sorry about that. So anyway, when I enrolled in college it dawned on me that I should really examine and learn from my mistakes. Plus it’s a diversity requirement.”

Maupin will be one of the first students enrolled in the groundbreaking Homeless Studies program at Jefferson Community and Technical College, which was created from an endowment of spare nickels and dimes collected from indifferent passersby. The unique set of courses this fall will teach incoming students a number of urban survival tactics that include how to construct a tent city, shelter shakedowns, Dumpster diving and panhandling.

College officials hope it will bring better appreciation for the plight of Louisville’s homeless, particularly since Wayside bought the Hotel Louisville property across the street from the JCTC campus.

“Students will gain a better understanding of their alley and highway overpass neighbors as a result of these courses,” says Lisa Brosky, marketing director for the college. “But we’ve really reached out to Wayside about turning the property over. At the very least we should create a mixed dormitory-shelter, but haven’t heard anything back as of yet.”

 

Cops to cruise Broadway in protest

Memorandums uncovered by LEO Weekly show that members of the Louisville FOP are planning to deliberately clog West Broadway with a “cop cruising” protest next Derby weekend.

Metro Police officials would not comment on whether officers who participated would be disciplined. More than 300 officers have signed a pledge to “cruise ’til they die” during next year’s Derby festivities.

It appears police commanders are already sprucing up their vehicles.

Receipts of department expenditures obtained by LEO show that Chief Robert White spent over $25,000 on his take-home car. The costs included spray-paint, four 22-inch rims and four miniature television screens. Other high-ranking police officials have made similar purchases in recent weeks.

Officer Phil Russell, a police spokesman, said the chief’s car improvements were necessary equipment upgrades.

With Derby almost a year away, west Louisville residents and business leaders are left scratching their heads. They hope police officers won’t jam their streets, but car aficionados are encouraging the planned demonstration.

FOP President John McGuire says it’s a misnomer to call cop cruising a protest. The rank and file simply want to better understand the cultural significance of cruising.

“Because every officer has to work Derby, our members felt like this was the best way to control traffic, connect with the community and join the festivities,” he says. “We’re definitely going to get our party on, but we will uphold absolute public safety while doing so.”

Other officers, however, told LEO they signed up because they are fed up with watching the spruced up vehicles from the sidelines. Patrolman Christian St. George says fellow officers have added all sorts of new gadgets to their patrol cars. Many want to give cruisers a taste of their own medicine.

 

Jeff Bridges to Lebowski Fest: Enough already

After learning the Louisville-born Lebowski Fest has now spread to 15 American cities, actor Jeff Bridges decided it was time to speak out, with the hope of putting his followers out of their misery.

“I’m honored to know the movie is so well liked, iconic even,” says Bridges, better known among burnouts everywhere as the Dude. “But seriously, people, move on. The festival might have been clever the first year — and that’s a big maybe — but now it’s just a bunch of slackers in bathrobes drinking white Russians. And by the way, I think white Russians are repulsive.”

Although the Coen brothers released their cult comedy “The Big Lebowski” in 1998, it would take the founders of Lebowski Fest another four years to launch the annual festival, presumably because they were too high to get around to it.

Upon learning that Bridges is calling for an end to Lebowski Fest, co-founder Will Russell began crying and shuffled away in his tattered house slippers.

On the contrary, his partner in the festival, Scott Shuffitt, began rambling incoherently: “This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man … Fortunately, I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber … Mind if I do a J? … I hate the fucking Eagles man … What about the toe? … I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug …”

 

Unmerged: city, county split up

In a surprising development, Jefferson County left a written message to the City of Louisville last night indicating it is ending their highly publicized Metro relationship after six years of merged government. Reports of the breakup were confirmed when Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson, who will now be able to run for another three terms, read a Post-it note that was left on the back door of Metro Hall: “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.”

Attorney Thomas Clay is representing Jefferson County and filed papers to dissolve merger with the courts earlier this week, after more than 80 percent of the residents in the county complained about the “abusive relationship.”

Louisville residents are likely to go through withdrawals over the next couple of weeks, says couples counselor Juliet Morris. The abrupt breakup may lead to city dwellers eating excessively, staying locked indoors, calling Jefferson County residents in the middle of the night, and showing up on county doorsteps unexpectedly.

Louisville may end up crawling back to an ex-lover, Morris says.

According to public records, the mayors of three Southern Indiana cities have already made several phone calls asking Louisville if it wants to come over and talk.

It’s going to be heartbreaking watching all the Jefferson County employees move out of City Hall, but the irreconcilable differences made the union almost unbearable, says Councilwoman Tina Ward-Pugh, D-9.

“I just can’t believe it’s over. I mean, the county just left. It’s such a disrespectful way to end a relationship,” she says.

It could be months before officials are able to untangle the dozens of merged departments, agencies and services that have bonded tightly over the past six years. In a written request sent to Abramson, a group of county residents asked Louisville to leave the keys with a mutual friend, saying Jefferson County would be by to pick up its belongings next week. The mayor has already dusted off the old Board of Alderman desks, which had been locked in storage at Louisville Gardens.

“I’ll miss being able to tell my friends from out of town we’re the 16th largest city in the country, but it was time. It’s really over,” says Pamela Barnsdale, a Jefferson Country resident, adding she’s interested in seeing Lexington before the end of the year. “At the end of the day, the people living in the county had to say, ‘Louisville, we just weren’t that into you’.”

 

Thunder to be held on Twitter next year

Thunder Over Louisville will be held exclusively on Twitter next year, organizers announced Tuesday.

The annual waterfront celebration of America’s ’80s-era military superiority, which in past years attracted 700,000 fraternity brothers and extras from the film “Joe Dirt,” will be an online-only event in 2010. Kentucky Derby Festival organizers made the announcement in a burst of 140-character “tweets” laden with typographical errors and numerous public replies to random friends among the Festival’s Twitter followers.

When the Obama Administration seized Zambelli Internationale in June, it demanded the Pennsylvania company move the pretentious final “e” to the front of its name and become a “virtual fireworks business.” The new e-Zambelli International will tweet Thunder messages like “Pow!,” “Ka-Blammy!” and “Gargantuan mondo boom-a-looma!”

The Festival also announced that Twitter reporters @jackiehays and @dawnegee would tweet eight hours of breezy observations about the size of various Reagan-era warplanes, along with sober reminders about how useless they are in the age of jihad. @johnbelski will provide 297 weather tweets throughout the day, sprinkled with observations about how happy everybody’s tweets look.

At approximately 9:45 p.m., honorary “ThunderTweeter” Ashton Kutcher will tweet a launch sequence that will begin the firework tweeting. Thunder’s Twitter followers are encouraged to tweet whatever reactions seem appropriate, including but not limited to “oooh!” and “ahhhh!” Women are encouraged to periodically expose their breasts to their webcams and upload the photos to tweetpix.

In related developments, area birds issued a statement praising the move, and the Louisville Peace Action Community said it would protest via Twitter to both of its followers.

 

8664 group shifts focus to I-71; Cincinnati plans to sue

After years of fighting to remove a section of Interstate 64 from Louisville’s waterfront, the grassroots group 8664 has shifted its efforts and now is focusing on re-routing Interstate 71.

“It was becoming increasingly clear that we weren’t going to win that particular fight, because Louisvillians just love them some I-64,” said Tucker Allen, founder of 8664, a name that suddenly doesn’t sound so clever anymore.

The group — temporarily going by the new name “71 is for Suckers” — proposes rerouting the interstate through Indiana, avoiding Kentucky altogether.

When asked to comment on the plan, Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory said, “Is this a joke? Seriously, are you for real?”

Upon learning the campaign is in fact not a joke, Mallory went ballistic, threatening not only to sue, but also to “come down there and whoop some liberal activist ass.”

On the contrary, Mayor Jerry Abramson was pleased to hear those “young idealists” over at 8664 had come up with an idea that is a little more realistic.

“They were going to have to take I-64 over my dead body,” said Abramson. “As for their plans to remove all traces of 71 in Kentucky … eh, whatever. Just don’t screw with my bridges.”

 

Sun refuses to shine on Southern Indiana

The sun refused to shine on a wide swath of Southern Indiana for a second straight day on Tuesday, mystifying meteorologists and climatologists across the region.

Despite a cloudless sky, Clark, Floyd and Harrison counties remained in utter darkness, save for the glow from Louisville across the Ohio River. Indiana counties further afield were normally sunny, but Harrison County had a gloomy winter sky on both days.

“It’s a mystery,” said Bill Board, a meteorologist with the Air National Guard in Jeffersonville. “We’ve ruled out terrorism and climate change, so we’re trying to determine if it’s being caused by our failure to sacrifice virgins to an angry deity.”

Leaders cautioned against panic, even while concerned onlookers gathered in the parking lot at Bass Pro Shops in Clarksville to console each other with vacant staring into the middle distance and vague murmuring about the “end times.”

Because street lights are controlled by automatic timers, the parking lot was completely dark at 4 p.m. “We’ve got to get to the bottoms of this, and pronto,” said Sharon Needles, a local oxycodone enthusiast. “Thank the Lord for Crest White Strips or I couldn’t see a damn thing out here. I don’t know how I’m going to keep up my tan with this going on.”

In potentially related developments, a citywide cessation of rocking was reported in Cleveland; Virginia was reportedly devoid of lovers; and recent descriptions of happenings in Las Vegas had reportedly spilled beyond the borders of that city.

 

Yellow Ambulance afraid to pick up dead body

A Yellow Ambulance refused to pick up a dead body during a routine run in Lyndon, according to a report released by the Jefferson County Coroner’s Office. While emergency medical personnel struggled to convince the ambulance to cooperate, the reluctant vehicle refused to open its doors or release its tailgate to admit the dead man, whose name is being withheld for reasons of privacy.

“It was pretty eerie,” said Ronnie Garrett, an EMT on the scene. “It’s like the ambulance was afraid. I mean, OK, the dude we were supposed to pick up weighed 889 pounds and had been dead for about 72 hours. Plus, he had a stash of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks stored in various folds of flesh. I wasn’t so thrilled about picking him up myself. But a job is a job. Let’s pick up the poor bastard and get the hell out of there, is my thinking on the subject.”

According to the report, the incident was not the first time vehicles in the Yellow Ambulance fleet showed signs of trepidation. On previous occasions, ambulances have intentionally steered away from high places, spiders, uncooked meat, the music of Creed and the entire Mel Gibson oeuvre. The ambulance is currently in the shop for transmission, drive-train and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

 

24-hour curfew imposed in West End neighborhood

At least three precincts in the Shawnee neighborhood have voted to approve a measure that, if duplicated in other communities, could impose a 24-hour curfew in all of west Louisville.

Proposed by Councilwoman Cheri Bryant-Hamilton, D-5, as a crime-fighting measure, the ballot initiative passed yesterday in a special election after 73 percent of voters favored that all residents must stay indoors until further notice. The law takes effect in 30 days.

“People can’t commit crimes, nor can they be victims, if nobody’s outside,” she said in a telephone interview from her home. “The Shawnee community is serious about crime and has had the resolve to sacrifice their basic freedoms for public protection.”

The Rev. Geoffrey Ellis, pastor of Greater St. James AME, a curfew supporter, said it’s about taking the neighborhood back from the criminals. He said he had hoped an amendment could be made to allow churchgoers to attend Sunday service.

Other west Louisville leaders, however, promise standout protests if the measure isn’t overturned in the courts. The Rev. James Tennyson, executive director of the Justice Resource Center, told LEO Weekly the civil rights organization plans to file a lawsuit and has joined with urban party promoters to host a series of block parties in the precincts with a curfew.

“I’m in favor of getting rid of crime, but I still want to go outside,” said Khala Wright, a Shawnee resident who voted against the curfew. “Maybe they could at least give us eight hours to go to work.”

 

Nachbar, Pink Door move to Fourth Street Live

Two unlikely bars have found new homes at Fourth Street Live, resulting in the unexpectedly peaceful co-existence of hipsters, gays, yuppies and tourists.

Formerly a Germantown dive bar-turned-hipster haven, the Nachbar has reopened in a space next to Hard Rock Café. Much to everyone’s surprise, the hipsters are kind of digging their new chain restaurant neighbor — in an ironic sort of way, of course. In fact, several hipsters were recently spotted wearing old-school Hard Rock T-shirts as they smoked American Spirits, sipped on PBR and talked about their scooters.

In addition, the Pink Door — a noodle restaurant-turned-gay-bar — has left the Highlands and moved into a new spot above T.G.I. Fridays. That, too, seems to be working out well: “I just love all the flair those servers wear on their suspenders,” says Pink Door patron Travis Thorne.

“The people watching here is fantastic,” says tourist Barb Dooley, sipping a Bahama Mama daiquiri from Wet Willies. On vacation in Louisville for several days, the 41-year-old mother of three admits her hometown of Paducah is not nearly as diverse — at least not in her suburb. “It’s like being at a zoo, but with people. So far it’s been pretty tame, but once people get good and liquored up, I’m hoping for a fight.”

 

Kentuckians obese and lovin’ it

Kentucky has once again ranked among the nation’s fattest states, yet residents continue to take the news with a grain of salt (along with a Super-sized Extra Value Meal from McDonalds).

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently revealed that the Bluegrass state has the fifth-highest rate of obesity in the nation, with 63 percent of adults either obese or overweight.

“So, what’s your point,” says 297-pound Monica Bumpus, working through a bucket of extra crispy fried chicken from KFC and washing it down with a large Mountain Dew. “Maybe if the government would come up with a way to fry food that isn’t bad for you, I’d have arms like Michelle Obama.”

Asked whether she has ever considered exercising or trying a healthier diet, Bumpus retorts, “You mean, like drinking Diet Mountain Dew?”

Unfortunately, Kentucky’s younger generation is not in much better shape, with 35 percent of children considered overweight or on the brink of becoming so.

Outside a local convenience store on a recent afternoon, 12-year-old Johnny Nicholas strolled outside, his chubby arms filled with junk food, including a bag of Giant Cheetos, a white cherry ICEE and a Kit Kat Big Kat.

Asked if he thought this was a healthy lunch for a growing boy, he said, “Lunch? I ate lunch at Taco Bell an hour ago.”

 

Local bloggers brush teeth, leave house

Like the decennial invasion of cicadas and garage rock, Louisville-area bloggers have emerged from their poorly lit, junk food-laden digital environs and ventured out into the city-at-large — leaving traffic jams, body odor and poor grammar in their wake.

“We haven’t seen anything quite like it,” said Metro Police Chief Robert White. “One day everything is normal. The next, it’s as though the city’s population has nearly doubled, and half of them smell like cigarette smoke and feet.”

White added that the number of vehicular fatalities would no doubt be on the rise, as the bloggers’ limbs have so badly atrophied that their response time behind the wheel is dangerously slow.

“If you know any blogger who plans on operating an automobile,” continued White, “it’s your duty as a citizen to prevent them from getting in that driver’s seat.”

Additionally, the number of snarky comments overheard at coffeeshops and written on bar bathroom walls has increased exponentially.

“Before, all you’d get was talk about how Sleater-Kinney should’ve never broken up or why somebody’s parents are being so lame,” said Kevin Arneste, a barista at Highland Coffee. “Now all I hear is ‘lol’ this, ‘lol’ that … [They’re] a menace. They drink all of our coffee and patronize us in the bad way.”

LG&E has reported some benefits to the city’s power grid; the absence of the strain normally imposed by some 200,000 erstwhile laptops, Macs and homebrewed PCs has freed up enough energy to reimburse customers with a free week of utilities.

 

Kentucky legalizes gay marriage; straights not affected

In a shocking turn of events, state legislators have approved same-sex marriage in Kentucky. So far, the American family remains intact.

The change comes after voters recently and inexplicably reversed a 2004 constitutional amendment that was intended to prevent gay marriage from ever becoming a reality in the Bluegrass. Although there has been some speculation that “the gays” managed to brainwash straights through various subliminal messages — like pumping barely audible techno music into evangelical churches — that theory has not been proven.

According to Trista-Lynn Wayne, a Butcher Hollow resident who voted in favor of same-sex unions this time around, “I ain’t gay or nothing, I just don’t think it’s anybody’s business who marries who. I mean, if kin can get hitched, why not gays?” Another reason for her change of heart on the issue: “I really like that new lesbian doctor gal on that hospital show ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’”

On the same day lawmakers approved gay marriage in Kentucky, a Louisville megachurch hosted the state’s first legally recognized union between two men at its vast compound.

“I have to admit I was a little nervous about seeing two guys kiss at the end of the ceremony,” says one of the church’s members, who asked not to be named. “Two chicks kissing … now that’s different.”

 

Council Republicans push for glass offices

Fed up with closed doors and basic privacy, Metro Council Republicans have introduced legislation that will force all Metro government buildings to operate with transparent offices. The glass house ordinance, as it’s being called, would also require city employees to carry GPS devices while on the job, recite city expenditures on command and consent to random strip searches.

“These solid walls create barriers to openness on how government spends the taxpayers’ money and operates,” says Councilman Hal Heiner, R-19, who introduced the ordinance, adding the other measures will give citizens total access to city government. “This administration cannot play the shell game with the budget or development deals when there are no shells.”

Council Republicans argue the bill adds another piece to the transparency puzzle. Over the past few months city lawmakers have approved a 24/7 tip line, e-transparency website and mandatory Twitter account updates, but critics say the minority caucus has leaped into voyeurism.

Metro government is in the process of creating a reality show to document the mayor’s every step that will debut on Metro TV at the end of the month. The program will cover much of what the bill seeks to do, says spokesman Chad Carlton.

“The program will show an unedited mayor doing what he does daily,” he says. “We can’t understand this overreach in the council, but it sounds more like surveillance than accountability.”

The ordinance’s supporters say the administration’s documentary idea is a distraction and duplicates Metro TV’s current programming of ’round-the-clock mayoral speeches, press conferences and advertisements.

“No one is suggesting putting up 24/7 cameras,” Heiner says. “But we want to know what every city employee is doing and thinking. Right now.”

The glass house ordinance will go before the Government Accountability and Oversight Committee next week. It is expected to pass.

 

Frenchman moves to Germantown, stirs pot

A man with French heritage has moved into the city’s Germantown neighborhood, and his presence roiled neighbors whose memories of the calamitous history of enmity between two of Europe’s most prestigious countries have never receded.

Paul-Henri Abney, whose family immigrated to the U.S. from Paris two generations ago, recently bought a modest clapboard shotgun house in the working class burg at a surprisingly low cost, intending to “redo the kitchen, probably throw a coat of paint on the outside, maybe vault a ceiling or two.”

But when a neighbor began hurtling insults referencing the Thirty Years’ War at him as he sat reading on his front porch one recent Sunday afternoon, Abney says he took umbrage.

“I don’t even know what the word ‘revanchism’ means, but the guy’s tone just really bothered me,” he says. “And I’m not going to sit by while some German is going on about Alsace-Lorraine and challenging my right to be here. Are you kidding me?”

Eventually, another neighbor called police after the skirmish spilled from Abney’s lawn onto the street. Alfred Werden, whose family was among the original settlers in Germantown in the 1870s, was charged with menacing, a misdemeanor.

“This is our land, our place, and here along comes another jerk trying to take it from us,” Werden says. “I just hate to see it happen.”

The conflict is not new to Louisville: Named in honor of France’s King Louis XVI, the city is also home to a substantial German population, and uses as its official symbol the vaguely French-seeming fleur-de-lis.

 

German-Paristown contemplates appeasement

When Gulf War veteran Mike Krause burst into Cal’s Place Bar, no one expected what happened next.

“We’ve all known Mike a long time,” said barkeep Rusty Stanger. “Yet we weren’t prepared for the tour de force of rhetorical pyrotechnics and persuasive xenophobia he delivered over a pitcher of MGD.”

Less than a month later, Krause’s speech turned into a native separatist movement whose aim is to annex Paristown and thereby reclaim the Germantown Sudetenland.

“For too long,” Krause thundered, “we have allowed these half-breeds to drink our beer, go to our churches and date our daughters. The time has come for true Germantowners to rise up and take back what is, by virtue of providence, ours!”

Amid roaring applause and the regular slicking back of his comb-over, the gravity of Krause’s message was felt just a few blocks away at the German-Paristown Community Center.

“We don’t want any trouble,” Michel DuBudnik, a volunteer at the center, said over a croissant and a glass of merlot. “I mean, we’ll do everything we can to cooperate, obviously. We just don’t want anybody to get hurt.”

In a valiant display of force last week, Krause and a fleet of roughly sixty ATVs rolled down Kentucky Street, hunting rifles in hand.

“We need liebestraum!” Krause bellowed through a megaphone. “Liebestraum!”

Shortly thereafter, LMPD officers broke up the scene with pepper spray and everyone returned home in time for “Dancing With The Stars.”

Currently, Krause is writing a book in jail; titled “My Wifebeater,” it will be published by Simon & Schuster next spring.

 

New geographic region created for Louisville; citizens outraged

Responding to years of scorn and resentment, the U.S. Census Bureau has created a fifth official region specifically for Louisville, in the hopes that it can appease citizens who have never been able to agree on whether this is a Southern or Midwestern city.

The region will be called North South Central. Unlike the other four Census regions — Northeast, Midwest, South and West — the NSC, officials say, is precise while still being general enough to appeal to the majority. Louisville, by virtue of its being in Kentucky, had been counted as part of the South region.

Federal officials see it as a gesture of goodwill, and are hopeful the new designation will discourage residents from slamming doors on Census counters, and perhaps even compel them to fill out the long, tedious forms that require deep personal background information on every member of your household.

“We consider the NSC in a way a rebirth for Louisville,” Jack McDikler, a spokesman for the Census Bureau, said. “It covers everybody, from the secessionists to the latte-sippers.”

Upon hearing the news, Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson sounded a gleeful — if heavy — note.

“As humans, we all search for our true and appropriate identities,” he said. “Now, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of negativity and malapropism, this wonderful city has found hers.”

 

U of L to add PR department in wake of Felner scandal

As its former dean of education awaits trial on federal corruption charges, the University of Louisville announced it is creating a public relations department, part of a large-scale effort to regain the trust of students, parents and alumni enraged by the impropriety of a top educator and university administrators’ seeming indifference to it.

“We need damage control, plain and simple,” U of L President James Ramsey said. “Once the media got hold of this story, we could do nothing to stop the spin. We need to have the tools necessary to counter bad publicity, to tell people, ‘Yes, we really do care that it’s happening here’.”

A university official said the new department would have two full-time employees.

“We’re looking to grab a couple of strong, solid reporters who’ve been in Louisville a long time and know exactly what it takes to keep our name up out of the dirt,” the official told LEO Weekly, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

The department’s budget is expected to float somewhere around $400,000 a year, which the university plans to cover with a $4 “image fee” tacked onto the cost of student parking passes.

 

Study finds city has more Irish bars than people

A study released last week by the University of Louisville’s School of Home Brewery found that Louisville Metro, per capita, has more Irish pubs than citizens. The study was commissioned soon after businessman Tom O’Shea opened his 6,583rd bar — O’Flanden’s Irish Ale House at the Court House at Sixth and Jefferson — in March.

“I want to get away from the outdated school of thought that every neighborhood should have a bar,” O’Shea said at a press conference. “Every neighbor should have a bar. Period.”

“This is great news for our city,” Mayor Jerry Abramson said in response to the study. “Louisville is the new Ireland — we share that common bond through our love of whisky, horses, happy hours, stumbling home around dinnertime to see what the wife has on the table, and civil unrest.”

In celebration of the news, the mayor commissioned a study — to be completed by the Cordish Cos. — to assess the cost of dying the Ohio River green. He’s also meeting with Metro Council members about legislation that would change the city’s symbol from the fleur-de-lis to the Celtic cross.

 

Hipster loses leg after doctors unable to remove pants

At 3:17 a.m. last Friday morning, Earle “Buzz” Landry was making a routine EMS call to the Nachbar with his partner, Cal.

“We thought it was going to be just your run-of-the-mill hipster slap fight,” said Landry. “Yet it … it … my god, the horror.”

Landry and Cal arrived on the scene to find a young man prostrate on the ground, his lips purple, clutching his right leg in pain.

“I had seen it before,” Cal said. “These kids trying to fit into jeans that are two sizes too small just because that’s what some website told them to do, and now the kid will only need one pant leg for the rest of his life. A damn shame.”

The victim, Paul Chase, 23, who had been couch surfing for a month prior to the accident, was immediately rushed to Audobon Hospital where surgeons tried in vain to remove the women’s size 1 Diesel jeans that had fused themselves to his leg, thereby severing the femoral artery.

“I wish it was the first case of this nature I’ve encountered,” said Dr. Atmhya Athabaska. “But unfortunately it’s becoming the rule, not the exception.”

When questioned about the morality of selling tight jeans to people who have no business wearing them, Nitty Gritty owner Teri Borden said, “Hey, look man: The jeans will sell themselves whether I do or not, you got me? It’s not my fault if some kid can’t handle his fashion like an adult.”

 

City opens tip line; records reveal LEO first to complain

One week after Metro government launched an anonymous tip line for employees and constituents to lodge complaints against public officials, records reveal LEO Weekly was the very first to complain.

The complaint, which Metro officials say they have investigated and dismissed, alleged city officials have routinely avoided calls from the newsweekly.

“We don’t expect a response from the tip line either,” Editor Stephen George said. “Why should we? We’re talking about Metro government here, right?”

The newsweekly, in its 19th year of existence, is known mostly for complaining — about politics, music, arts, culture and the crushing ennui of petulant children and Mitch McConnell. 

*These stories are part of LEO’s Fake Issue.