Day one: I finally found a Wii Fit online and snapped it up. It should be here in a couple of days. I’m really excited because I’m sure it’s going to succeed where the treadmill, stationary bike, sit-ups, crunches, jogging, hiking, cycling and YMCA membership have failed, because it’s a virtual workout instead of a real workout and it’s well established that reality always screws up everything. Six-pack abs, here I come!
Day four: I got the Wii Fit installed. It’s really cool! Right off the bat, it calculated my “body mass index,” weight and “fitness age.” (I think it got them all wrong because of my bulky sweats, which probably add 12 pounds, but that just gives me more to lose!) The games trick you into exercising, which might be the answer to our nation’s obesity epidemic. There are four categories: balance, aerobics, strength and yoga. It’s the perfect all-around workout for surviving a global depression.
Day five: Wow, my balance sucks. I just spent an hour as a penguin trying to eat fish and only scored “Amateur.” Those 10-point fish are impossible to eat! I’m starving. I think I’ll go to Stan’s for a fish sandwich.
Day six: That penguin game really pisses me off! I think I’ll try hula-hoop.
Day seven: God, I am so sore from hula-hooping! I also have a mild headache from getting hit in the head by flying cleats in the soccer game. I’m going to focus on yoga. It comes with onscreen trainers. I chose the woman and Mary chose the man. She named her instructor Chaz. He’s quite personable and very encouraging, but he seems a little passive-aggressive. Frankly, I don’t see what she sees in him.
Day eight: I decided to name my yoga instructor Clarice. She always knows just what to say to keep me motivated. I have to hand it to the people at Nintendo: Clarice looks very fit. I’m not proud of it, but I got a bit distracted watching her do the Sun Salutation and forgot to do the pose.
Day nine: An aerobics day. I put the Wii remote in my pocket and jogged in place while a cartoon world sped past on TV. I’m pretty fast! The remote tracked my progress and I scored “Calorie Roaster.” I think I earned that post-workout falafel platter from Shiraz.
Day 10: Wii says I’ve gained 2.5 pounds. How can that be? It’s probably the sweats. Cotton is notoriously heavy. This morning when I fired her up, Clarice said, “Ugh, I stayed up too late last night!” Frankly, this is more than I wanted to know. I hope we can keep things professional. I like to keep my personal and workout lives separate.
Day 11: I set a new jogging record by flipping the remote in my hand while sitting in the La-Z-Boy eating Cheez-Its. Sigh. I am staying honest on the Palm Tree Pose and the Jackknife, though. Clarice told me I’ve got “amazing ab strength,” which we both know is a lie. She also advised, “Press the Up button to view me from the back!” Cheeky, Clarice! I think my Wii Fit yoga instructor is totally hitting on me! (I’ll admit to pressing the Up button during Downward-Facing Dog.)
Day 12: Mary spent so much time with Chaz today that I barely got in a workout. I overheard him complimenting her on her balance and strength, which I thought was a little inappropriate. I have to admit, though, she is looking great. All I had time for was a penguin game, followed by leftover pizza.
Day 13: When I clicked the Palm Tree Pose today, Chaz butted in. He said, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’ll be standing in for your regular trainer.” The temerity! I said, “As a matter of fact, I do mind, Chaz. Now, why don’t you beer me a favor and go fetch Clarice?” Immediately, I felt guilty and wondered if I’d hurt Chaz’ feelings. But he didn’t bat an eye and continued with the Palm Tree Pose. Afterwards, he had the nerve to say, “You’re a little unbalanced.”
“Oh, Chaz,” I sighed. “You don’t know the half of it.” I was too embarrassed to continue and consoled myself with three scoops of rocky road.
Day 14: Clarice was back. She seemed distant. I played the penguin game and hula-hoop. Followed by Oreos. Washed them down with the remains of a growler from BBC.
Day 20. Today I ordered “Mario Kart.” I hear good things.