Get this. Churchill Downs is looking for an official Chief Party Officer for this year’s Kentucky Derby. The track is currently conducting a nationwide search for the ultimate partier, to be crowned “official host of the infield.”
Forget all that ceremonial bullshit — what do you get? Free beer for one. Free access to your own restroom in the infield. Four passes to the infield. Free food. And instant celebrity. Oh, and 500 bucks!
“The Kentucky Derby is one of the biggest social events of the year, and one of the best parties in the world,” said Brent Alexander, senior director of marketing for Churchill Downs. “What we are looking for is a character who represents all of the people in the infield and someone who really knows the meaning to the word ‘party.’”
Of course, they need look no further than right here (they had me at private restroom), but I’m willing to face competition. What’ll it be? A chug-off? Keg stand? Pub crawl?
OK, it’s none of those, unfortunately. But here’s what you have to do to be considered: 1) Create a 90-second video and upload it to YouTube.com; and 2) Fill out an application at www.kentuckyderby.com/infield.
There’s a comical video at www.youtube.com/kentuckyderby that details the rules and such. In it, a man who resembles Steve Carell says the Churchill Downs CPO should be able to take a quarter, bounce it on a table, and have it land anywhere she wants. Other examples of a worthy CPO are if your bar tab consistently exceeds your paycheck; if you have a special hangover concoction that bears your last name; and if everyone on the overnight shift at White Castle knows you by first name. Hmmm … I can relate to the bar tab experience, but I suck at Quarters.
When I asked Brent if he thought I had a shot, he said, “Has there ever been a time when the Bar Belle has chosen to not have a shot?” So true.
If you think you can beat me, I encourage you to apply. And if you win, I better be one of your four guests! You have till April 13 to get your video shot. Action!
Anyone wanna help me film my video? E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org