Issue January 15, 2008

Imaginary Conversations

Scene: Metro Councilman Doug Hawkins, R-25, and state Sen. Perry Clark, D-Louisville, bump into one another at the grocery, a day after Hawkins announces he’ll run for Clark’s seat in the November election.

Perry Clark: You really wanna do this?
Doug Hawkins: Wow, your daddy taught you well. I mean, you know how to read the newspaper.
PC: Whatever. I sent that Seum hack back to Indiana. What makes you think you got a prayer?
DH: That nomination should’ve been mine, and now you’ll deal with me. I’m the straight talker — you’re a politician. If not for daddy’s name, you’re digging ditches.
PC: Au contraire, my friend. I actually think before I go around running my mouth.
DH: We’ll see who speaks for the people. You think you can ignore the true American people of the South End and run around with your Frankfort buddies?
PC: You’re a racist fear-monger.
DH: Tell that to my voters. No one out here wants those Mexicans taking over. You’d let ’em all move in and steal our TVs.
PC: Live and let live, compadre — that’s the American way. These things have a way of working themselves out. No thanks to demagogues like you.
DH: Tell that to the mayor — as soon as he gets my foot outta his ass. (smirks)
PC: Being against everything means nothing. You’re irrelevant.
DH: Oh, yeah? My head’s even squarer than yours. Chiseled from granite, baby.
PC: Can’t argue that. But at least mine contains a brain. And the adult diapers are over that way.
DH: What?