Because I write about politics and other forms of comedy, people often ask me how I plan to vote. Unfortunately, my answer contains many words that are unsuitable for publication in a family newspaper, or even this one. But I do have one printable rule that applies in every voting situation: Never vote for a Republican. Unless the Democrat is criminally insane. Which is usually the case. So you’ll want to do some research before casting your vote. Or you could just vote like me:
Governor: The conservative or the other conservative?
The race for governor is a tough choice for me. As a wisecracking writer, I can’t help but adore Gov. Ernie Fletcher as an unending source of material. With Fletch, my work is half done before I even begin typing. Of course, where’s the challenge in that? Besides, I’m a gambling man, and I’m betting Steve Beshear will provide plenty of hilarious material for years to come, so I’m going to gamely give him my vote.
Attorney General: Beauty vs. The Perv
Attorney General candidate Stan Lee is another great example of the built-in hilarity rule. The only thing funnier than looking at him is listening to him. Part creationist zealot, part sexist perv, every time he opens his mouth, the 17th century comes spilling out. His opponent, Jack Conway, is intelligent, articulate and progressive, and every time he opens his mouth, you fall into a trance because it’s so pretty. If you’re a joke writer, Lee is a slam dunk. Everybody else should vote for Conway.
Agriculture Commissioner: Farmer vs. farmer
Democrat David Lynn Williams is the sort of fellow who nearly invokes rule No. 1, above. He’s a farmer who doesn’t even seem to want to win the race (which might prove he’s sane after all). Meanwhile, former Mr. Basketball Richie Farmer’s very name is “Farmer” (though he is considering changing it to Richie Agribusiness). Plus, he’s sorta got that cartoon-character quality Fletcher and Lee make so irresistible. But you know what? Food politics in America is so corrupt and dysfunctional that anybody who gets a major party nomination for Ag Commissioner is a total tool. Skip them both and write in Wendell Berry.
Secretary of State: In God we trust
According to his Web site, Democrat Bruce Hendrickson is “guided in all things by his strong faith in God.” (He doesn’t say which God, so we’ll assume it’s the Christian one.) Unfortunately, his Facebook is a little disappointing. He has only 18 wall posts and not a single friend has sent him a mojito using the Happy Hour applet. But I find it impossible to vote for anyone named Trey Grayson (who is also pro-God). It’s just too Thurston Worthington VonCaviar Howell III. So skip them both and write in Louis Coleman.
Auditor, Treasurer, Judge
For Auditor, how about we write in my mom, Ann Welp? She’s good with numbers. Let’s go ahead and put Mom down for treasurer, too. (She’s really good with numbers.) For Jefferson Circuit Court Judge, write in your mom.
Yes on Library!
And finally, the Library Referendum. After careful analysis of the pros and cons of the library plan, I’ve decided … Oh my god are you kidding me? Do we really need to have this discussion? Of COURSE you’re going to vote YES. This is the easiest vote you’ll ever cast. We’re talking the library, people. The LIBRARY. An institution that is known to cut stupidity and generate intelligence, which evolutionary economists have conclusively shown reduces the ignoramus rate.
Yes, it’ll cost about $76 per year for the average Louisvillian, but that works out to about the same as a couple of nights out with the family for burgers, which is what people who live in cities with shitty libraries spend their lives flipping. If the $76 makes you feel bad, think of it this way: Yum Chairman David Novak “earned” $4.56 million last year. That means his tab on the 20-cents-per-$10,000 library tax would be $9,120.* (I’ll get Mom to check my math.) So think of it as sticking it to the man. Vote “Yes” on the library referendum.
*Theoretical. The rich find loopholes, so his actual tax would be closer to zero, but still.
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