Issue January 30, 2007

Literary LEO: Bad Poetry

Bad Poetry — First Place

Going to My Happy Place

BY MATTHEW HEIMERDINGER

When I sit and think long thoughts
like the toes of old men, knobby and
mottled — Joan-Rivers-jaded-thoughts —
I lean over and close my eyes and thin
‘Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.’ And
‘My God’ and ‘New Zealand.
Just think of rolling down a hill
in a giant ball in New Zealand.
Green and Blue and Green and Blue
and Green and Blue and Green.

‘There goes the sky again.

‘I am a fluffy, cute hamster in New Zealand
and I don’t care about anything.
Hamsters don’t believe in God, hamsters
don’t have to do homework, hamsters
don’t date, hamsters
don’t accidentally break their sisters’ laptops, hamsters
don’t worry about people not liking them
because they are poofy and adorable.
I am a giant, adorable, poofy hamster
zorbing down the green hills of New Zealand
in my bright, pillowed hamster ball
and everyone loves me.

‘Look. A hobbit.’
    


Bad Poetry — Second Place

Impatient

BY DEWAYNE GRANT

Waiting for the flowers to grow again,
For the smiling to begin again.
I battle the sadness I so easily succumb to,
And the world that I’m too numb to safely slip into
I wear my tears so well sometimes that I forget that I’m alive —
(I’ve forgotten how to thrive!)
I’ve forgotten how to love myself,
I fail to see the beauty that spills from my pores,
and coats me like a fragile second skin
Watching for the flowers to grow again
so I can focus on beauty that I’m not so afraid of …
Admiring the delicacy, their intensity,
Anything that might shift the focus off of me
The man in the mirror shuns the attention,
Looking away, refusing to mention
His strengths,
His virtuous nature,
His compassion and passion, intellect,
(But no self-respect?)
I respect the tulip, the rose,
The fragrance that so gently soothes the nose …
And the life that sprouts forth from their foundations,
From their limbs and stems,
Meanwhile, I struggle with growth —
I struggle with accepting the worth of my foundation,
Watered daily with a steady stream of doubt
And hesitation
But I am a rose as worthy as any other of sunlight,
As eager to bend towards the warm and vibrant glow
Of ambition and purpose,
I walk upon the earth,
A special creature filled with meaning,
I should be leaning …
Leaning towards greatness.
Waiting for the flowers to grow again,
Hoping my own life might just begin again,
With more effort, love and compassion from the world around me
But that will only come once I know I have truly found me …
Still seeking to embrace the more ethereal, profound me
I’m still growing.
Slow-ly.
I am growing.


Bad Poetry — Third Place

Purina, Purina

BY CHEF STEVE CREASY

can be sung to the tune of “Corina, Corina”

Purina, Purina
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina
You love my dog and cat,
Been feedin’ Purina,
Since I was just a brat.

I feed Purina,
From a sack or can,
I feed Purina,
From a sack or can,
Pets love Purina,
’Cause baby they’re the man!

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
For you Purina,
My pets would go to bat.

Purina dog chow,
It’s the best in the world,
Purina dog chow,
It’s the best in the world,
Purina dog chow,
Makes my cur’s tail curl.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Your chow is always tasty,
And it’s never flat.

I feed your Pro Plan,
To my pup “Mojo,”
I feed your Pro Plan,
To my pup “Mojo,”
He makes real small turds,
When he has to go.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
They love your pet chow,
’Cause there’s none better than that.

I feed Purina,
To the squirrels and birds,
I feed Purina,
To the squirrels and birds,
Not to feed Purina,
Would be absurd!

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
They love Purina,
And they never get fat.

Old Dad’s and Alpo,
The pets don’t like them much,
Old Dad’s and Alpo,
The pets don’t like them much,
It seems Purina,
Has that special touch.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
When it comes to pet food,
You’ve got the chow down pat!

Gravy Train and Skippy,
They don’t taste too good,
Gravy Train and Skippy,
They don’t taste too good,
The pets get Purina,
Just like I know they should.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
God Bless Purina,
I’ve got to tip my hat!

Puppies, grown ups and seniors,
Purina feeds them all,
Puppies, grown ups and seniors,
Purina feeds them all,
Purina feeds critters,
Large, medium, and small.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
And if one were hungry,
You’d probably feed a gnat.

Now all the critters,
They don’t have a voice,
Yeah all the critters,
They don’t have a voice,
But if they could tell us,
Purina’d be their choice!

Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and dogs,
Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and dogs,
They love Purina,
They chomp it down like hogs!

Pets love Purina,
Tell the world they do,
Pets love Purina,
Tell the world they do,
If you don’t feed Purina,
Then shame on you.

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Fill a bowl with Purina,
And give their heads a pat.

When I buy Purina,
You know I feel real fine,
When I buy Purina,
You know I feel real fine,
 It is on Purina,
That my animals dine.

My neighbors have Beagle,
His name is “Whiskey,”
My neighbors have a Beagle,
They call him “Whiskey,”
You know they feed him Purina,
And it keeps him real frisky.

Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and doggies,
Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and doggies,
Even chow with gravy,
It is never soggy.

Purina, Purina,
Boy the chow is tits,
Purina, Purina,
Man the chow is tits,
It will fill your pets up,
And not give them the shits!

Well we had an old Bluetick,
We called him “Tucker,”
We had an old Bluetick,
His name was “Tucker,”
Once we ran out of Purina,
And he turned a mean motherfucker!

Purina, Purina,
You love mice and rats,
Purina, Purina,
You love mice and rats,
When we ran out of Purina,
Tucker ate the cats!

Vets recommend Purina,
Because they know it’s healthy,
Vets recommend Purina,
Because they know it’s healthy,
Buy some stock in Purina,
And you’ll soon be wealthy.

Purina, Purina,
You love our dogs and cats,
Purina, Purina,
You love our dogs and cats,
For all your excellent pet chow,
You have my deep congrats!

Turtles love Purina,
And lizards like it too,
Turtles love Purina,
And lizards like it too,
But tell me dear Purina,
What’s a snake to do?

Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and dogs,
Purina, Purina,
You love our cats and dogs,
But hey Purina,
Whaddaya have for frogs?

Makin’ Purina,
Well it ain’t rocket science,
Makin’ Purina,
Well it ain’t rocket science,
But my Husky and my black cat,
Are your two best clients!

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Gonna get me a forklift,
And buy it by the flat!

Purina’s good for Great Danes,
And kittens too,
Purina’s good for wiener dogs,
And monkeys in the zoo,
Animals love Purina,
’Cause it’s easy to chew.

Purina, Purina,
You love my cat and dog,
Purina, Purina,
You love my cat and dog,
I’ve been to your website,
And even read your blog!

Purina feeds the chickens,
And the turkeys and the ducks,
Purina feeds the chickens,
And the turkeys and the ducks,
Well I bought myself a warehouse,
And we load Purina trucks!

Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
Purina, Purina,
You love my dog and cat,
I’m gonna always feed Purina,
’Cause you guys are where it’s at!