Issue May 2, 2006

The Official LEO Derby Survival Tout Sheet:

LEO: Giving Louisville the Finger since 1990

When it comes to wagering, most Derby visitors think of the card at Churchill Downs as the main event. But there are lots of other events worth handicapping at Derby time. For instance, which celebrity is most likely to bare his ass? How many puddles of vomit will you have to sidestep during Derby Week? And when will the exact moment come when you’ll run screaming from the whole Derby experience, crawl into the fetal position and weep softly into your Early Times Gato Del Sol decanter?
 As usual, LEO comes to your rescue. Just use our handy LEO Tout Sheet, and you’re sure to survive the most outrageous moments of Kentucky Derby 132.

FIRST RACE: The Celebrity Dumbass Stakes
Which star will act the biggest fool?
HORSE COMMENT
Tommy Lee — Porn-rocker shares name with ’59 Derby winner; always a chance of the pants coming off
John O’Hurley— Dancing with the Stars star could put the Hurl in O’Hurley
Pam Anderson— PETA ho threatens to boycott Derby over KFC cruelty; local outrage drowned out by starlings
John Goodman— Perennial fav to rock the mike, blow doob in Barnstable bushes with ZZ Top
Terry Bradshaw— Always a chance of the pants coming off
Nick Lachey — Can he alone fill stupidity vacuum left by absence of Jessica? Sure he can.
Tori Spelling— Could lash out when asked by horse, “Why the long face?”
Rick Pitino— Too inexperienced; should be ready next year
Serena Williams— Puts the backside in … um … the backside
Jai Rodriguez— Stricken with Derby Fever, could fall hetero heels in love
Win, place, show: Rock, Goodman, O’Hurley

SECOND RACE: The When-Will-I-Get-Sick-of-the-Derby-Festival? Handicap
For some, the tedium never ends.
HORSE COMMENT
Thunder Over Louisville— Annual “bird” to birds and environment makes explosion- and war-lovers all warm, fuzzy
Pegasus Parade— Giant gas-filled balloon entertains – but there’s more than just Willard Scott
Great Steamboat Race— Honest-to-god race, just like our elections
Chow Wagon— Local color: coach’s shorts, halter tops, neo-mullets, always a contender
Run for the Rose’— Cliché wrapped in a cliché makes fans want to stick foot out, trip servers
Derby Festival Marathon— John Belski in tiny shorts always a crowd-pleaser
Great Balloon Race— Enough hot air to rival Kentucky General Assembly, could trick meteorologists into interrupting regular programming
Derby Festival Basketball Classic— 13 months of basketball a year never enough
Derby Festival Spelling Bee— No, really
Kentucky Derby— Oh, right; there’s a horse race, too
Win, place, show: Thunder, Chow Wagon, I Was Sick of the Derby in January

THIRD RACE: The Who-Is-Most-Likely-To-Make-You-Throw-A-Julep-At-The-TV? Juvenile
Turn on the TV and get ready to roll your eyes!
HORSE COMMENT
John Asher— Charming Derby trivia-meister somehow manages to knot the tie.
Terry Meiners— Human corn machine took Ethanol Derby prep race by 27 lengths
Doug Proffitt— Camera adds 10 pounds – to his HEAD
Ken Schulz— Look for him to snap during the day’s 748th weather update
Dan Fogelberg—  Soft rock anthem played over cheesy footage of romping foals helps you nearly forget jockeys use whips
Melissa Swan— Down a shot of Wild Turkey whenever she grabs her hat
Vicki Dortch— Can smile while smiling, even in the mud
Bob Domine— Last outing, tripped over own exuberance, fell in the stretch
James Zambroski— Anti-Dortch aims to turn that frown upside down
Cindi Sullivan— Look for her to challenge Dortch in fake-smile stretch run
Win, place, show: Meiners, Fogelberg, Dortch

FOURTH RACE: The Myriad-Ways-To-Get-Sick-Or-OD Turf Classic
So many substances; so little time
HORSE COMMENT
Undercooked burgoo— Not as fun to puke as it is to say
Seeing Yum logo at Churchill Downs—  Slap at tradition almost as greasy as their food
Hot Brown— Like a blood transfusion, except with crude oil
Jim Beam shooters— By fifth race, horses spin around you even when they’re standing still
Year’s first extreme sunburn— Goes well with Benedictine and bourbon
Henry Bain and vodka jello shots— For a whimsical touch, say “Worcestershire” while vomiting
Kentucky Bibb & Ecstasy salad — Admire the leaves; marvel at the fork
Kentucky Chocolate Pecan Lawsuit Pie— Call it by its real name and Kern’s will have to kill you
Mint julep— Sweeter than Cindi Sullivan on a Roundup bender, twice as toxic
Win, place, show: Julep, Jello shots, Burgoo

FIFTH RACE: The Cleverly-Smuggled-Contraband Distaff
You put it WHERE?!
HORSE COMMENT
Ziploc bag o’ Beam duct-taped to genitals— Pubic hair-of-the-dog a frat-boy fav
Grain alcohol syringed into watermelon— Heavy load could be too much to carry
False bottom cooler— Watch your case of PBR go into the Dumpster
Buy Churchill Downs, change rules— Could be cheaper than buying drinks inside
Body cavity hidey hole— Once inside, “Does this smell skunky” jokes become tiresome
Fake boobs full of Makers— Girls Gone Wild video crew at the ready
Hollowed-out loaf of bread— Peanut butter, jelly, Cutty Sark a risky play
Tomy Lee’s bladder— Good bet if you’re willing to drink his pee
Win, place, show: Duct tape, Syringe, Hidey Hole

SIXTH RACE: The Derby Week Price-Gouge Stakes
Such a deal!
HORSE COMMENT
Parking in homer’s yard near Downs— 364 days of the year, a mudhole; one day a year, solid gold
Bottle of Dasani at track— Maybe a good bargain in Dan Seum’s Louisville
Derby week lap dance on 7th St. Rd.— Even the ugly ones cash in
Beer and wiener at Churchill Downs Not so steep when you consider dog’ll be in your colon for decades
Nickel bag of bluegrass— Stuff doesn’t grow on trees
Free Derby issue of LEO— Worth every penny even at twice the price
Central Avenue hooker— Don’t forget to include antibiotics in total outlay
Game of pool at 4th Street Live— Rack(et) ‘em up
Admission to infield— A bit steep for prime spot in vomitorium with no track view
Carryout box lunch from local restaurant— Pretend you’re in an airport
Win, place, show: Infield, parking, LEO

SEVENTH RACE: The Weirdest-Item-Found-During-Post-Derby-Cleanup Classic
Just be glad you’re not out there with a Hefty bag.
HORSE COMMENT
Dayglo Condoms— Colorful stretch run likely
Yarmuth for Congress sign— Has collectible written all over it
Piles of former burgoo— Gore-Tex boots a must
Hey, a huge tootsie roll!— Oh. Never mind.
The Gospel of Judas— Judas Winn, that is, Matt’s degenerate brother
WMD— Sucker bet, ‘specially if your name’s Colin Powell
Bob Costas’ je ne sais quoi— Fits neatly in dustpan, yet so palpable
Ernie Fletcher’s political skills — Hiding under “Hope,” also discarded
American Dream— Trampled in the stretch
Win, place, show: Tootsie Roll, Condoms, WMD

EIGHTH RACE: The What Will Churchill Downs Do With Big Boxy Casino-Makeover If a Gambling Bill Isn’t Passed? Stakes
Can’t move it to Vegas; can’t go back to a grandstand
HORSE COMMENT
Permanent storage for Tom Meeker’s ego— Solves two problems; may require additional wing
World’s Largest Ten Commandments monument— Final peace offering to General Assembly
Vacuum tubes to Caesars Indiana— Hey Hoosiers taxpayers: seize this!
New, weirdly shaped art plaza— They’re very in now
Move downtown and convert to hoops arena— Idea stumbles out of gate after too many location studies
Holding pen for rounded-up immigrants— While inside, could do jobs nobody else wants
Convert to Wal-Mart Superstore— Bound to happen sooner or later anyway
Area’s newest mega-church— Spires convert to cross easily
Scrape off paint and place on Kennedy Bridge—  Don’t give Transportation Cabinet any ideas
Galleria ’07!— Finally, new home for wig shops!
Win, place, show: Wal-Mart, mega-church, Commandments monument

NINTH RACE: The Most-Over-used-Kentucky-Derby-Cliché Stakes
And really, what is a good cliché, if not over-used?
HORSE COMMENT
Run for the Roses— Odds-on favorite to be stripped to thorns by 9 a.m.
Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports— Day’s 1,438 other minutes? Not so much.
The Sport of Kings— King Ralph, maybe
My Old Kentucky Home— They can’t get married, but ’tis spring, people are gay
A day at the races— Unless you’re talkin’ Marx Brothers or Queen, shut the hell up
Talk Derby To Me— Your dam’s a mudder
Neck and neck— Glass-half-empty version: butt and butt
Photo finish— We’ll have that JPG for you in a GIF
Down the stretch they come— Wait, are we talkin’ racing or porn?
First Saturday in May—  Handy shorthand good bet for the calendar-impaired
Gettin’ Lucky in Kentucky— Getting’ old everywhere else
Win, place, show: Roses, Getting’ Lucky, Talk Derby