Issue February 7, 2006

Bad Poetry – Winners (?)

Bad Poetry – 1st Place
Ode to a Booger
by Nick Borho

 

Moist as the morning dew

Sweeter than a honeysuckle

From whenst I first picked you

I knew it worth all the trouble.

 

You, I could not flick away

With a fleeting, careless gesture,

So on my finger you shall stay,

Verdant as a summer pasture.

 

If only you were so forever.

 

I should keep you so if only able,

Glistening beyond man’s measure,

I would wipe you under the kitchen table

And preserve your emerald treasure.

 

Alas, I could not stand to watch that fate

On the table wood you’d dry and cake

Losing the beauty that once was young

So instead I place you upon my tongue.

 

A taste I shall cherish.

Bad Poetry – 2nd Place
You Are a Dick
by John Whitney

 

(my logic is as follows)

 

you are reading this poem

because you are a friend of mine

I have asked you to

in order to obtain feedback

you will inevitably lie to me

telling me you enjoyed it

this makes you a dick

 

you are a writer

reading this poem

in order to keep an eye on the literary scene

all writers are dicks

this includes you

 

you are a patron of the arts

hunting for a suitable artist

of considerable talent

yet modest means

to take into your patronage

you have lots of money

this will draw attention away from how you got

it by being a dick

 

you are an editor or publisher

to whom I have sent this poem

in hope of turning a modest profit

you will reject it

due to limited appeal

poetry doesn’t sell

and you’re a dick

 

you bought this poem

in a book of poems

to read to impress your girlfriend

you probably think good poetry rhymes

you dick

 

this poem

was in a book

mis-shelved in your favorite section

you thought you might give poetry a try

since you saw it was cheap

on sale too

if I’m right about the section you found it in

then you’re a dick too

 

I have died decades ago

you are being forced to read this

against your will

by your teacher

you hate poetry

read it dick

 

 

Bad Poetry – 3rd Place
Symbiosis
by E. Gail Chandler

 

Wildebeests move slowly

have poor eyesight.

They hang out with zebras

who see well

signal danger

are easy to follow.

 

Zebras rather like this arrangement.

Lions always catch

the trailing wildebeests first.

 

So, my mate

of thirty years,

is it love or just the stripes

on my broad ass?