Issue January 25, 2006

What a Week (01-25-2006)

Right to work (for less)
Gov. Fletcher endorsed “right-to-work” legislation, which champions workers’ rights in much the same way the president’s “Clear Skies” initiative clears skies. The anti-labor proposal drew about 1,000 union members to the Capitol Rotunda, where they loudly booed and chanted during the governor’s budget address, making it really difficult to tell whether any criminals were pardoned during the speech.

Arresting developments
Metro Louisville announced a couple of clever outsourcing measures to help keep an eye on the community: The city enlisted couriers and sanitation workers to rat out any motorists they spot littering. The litter bugs will get a litter bag in the mail, along with a stern warning letter suitable for putting inside the handy litter bag. Meanwhile, Metro Police launched a program that lets citizens who fear retaliation report crime tips to five western Louisville churches instead of calling the nabs directly. The church ministers expressed enthusiasm for the crime-prevention plan, while also admitting to a sudden insatiable desire for crullers.

High speed cable
In another unexpected outburst of common sense, Kentucky transportation officials announced they would install median cable barriers on I-64 and I-71 to prevent head-on collisions. In response, the auto industry announced plans to build vehicles large and powerful enough to overcome any barriers and, failing that, to begin randomly bludgeoning drivers.

Takes one to know one
The General Assembly is considering an anti-bullying law, which would require schools to implement and enforce rules against harassment, intimidation or bullying of students. Habitual bullies would be reported to the state, where the little reprobates could potentially be groomed for a future in the General Assembly.

Eine kliene notmusik
Amid a labor dispute with its musicians, the Louisville Orchestra announced it is facing bankruptcy and might not finish its season, a claim its musicians dispute. Executive Director Scott Provancher said contingency plans include an all-kazoo rendition of Haydn’s “Symphony No. 90” in C major and that the Kentucky Opera’s performance of “The Barber of Seville” might include an accompaniment of “holding one nostril shut while humming through the other one,” performed by Provancher.